i've been thinking about someone special to me...i never thought i would say those things i did...but i did...and i'm sorry for what i've done...i hope you forgive me and don't take it to the heart...it's just that i don't want to see your heart torn apart...i want to do it now for if in the future i was to hurt you...i wouldn't know what to do...as much as i hate it all...i've got to do it...my heart tells me no...but my mind says yes do it so she won't ever no the pain...i don't want to end up like my brother and telling you later when you and i are alot more than what we are...as much as i hate to do it...but what is stopping me is my heart...my heart wants you near but you are so far...and i don't know what to do...because when i'm with you everything just feels so right...but for some reason when your gone...i tend to misplace you...but when i'm alone all again...first to mind is you...you and your lovely smile...what i'm i suppose to do? i'm so glad you ended up in my life but as i get more more deep i don't know what to do...i love you so much...but i don't want to end up like my brother two month later saying you and we are over...i fear that its to the point where we say good bye...although i don't want say...it must be that i'm rembling on about just some stupid stuff...but i'm taking adivse from tong to write down every thing on my mind...and as i do so my heart starts to ache...i don't know what to do...i don't want to let you go yet i can't help myself but to let you free...now so that the pain won't be as great...i told you i'll never let you go...but as i talk to my brother's ex...one of my bestest buddys...she tells me all those months together with him just brings more pain...but what if it was years instead i thought...would it be more heartful then it is now...and i know it will...i feel so horrible to even thinking about doing this to you...you've done so well for me...and i tend to never be able to be there for you...and now that i think about it...there are plenty of guys out there for you...i just don't want to hurt you no more...the last two times that i can remember...it wasn't me who hurted you yet you cried your eyes out...but they were my family who hurted you...and i know it's not me who cause them to say all of that...but think about it...if it wasn't for me you wouldn't be hurting...would it?? i don't know...what i'm thinking...maybe i'm stupid maybe i'm dumb...maybe i'm doing something without taking it into thought...but each time i think about it...you're too special to me to do this all to you...i know you say you can go ahead and do what you want...be with your friends do what guys do...but i'm not like that and i don't want to be like that...because i can tell it won't be good for us...i want you to find someone who you will truly love and someone who will truly love you...because i don't think i'm that someone for you no more...i'm so sorry if i'm bringing you in tears...i'm so sorry but if i do it here and now it would be much quicker...the pain probably won't last as long as they will be in the future...i hate to say it but it's like the the song i listen to you the other day...and as i write my thought...kls-so hard to say good-bye...all though it is i...but you know how hard it is for me to do this...i just feel like...crap...and it so hard to say good-bye...

sup blog boy thingy magiy...well anyways don't know why i said that but i guess there is always a change for things...well this things goes to my boys...we are all in it together no matter what...remember that we'll always be boys to the end...i know at times we my get pissed with one another but i really believe us five guys well be like family forever...us five has had too many adventures to just allow it all go to waste...even if you do i'll remember our adventures for ever...i know what we do may sometimes be "bad" like going and just hanging out while we still can and all but i guess just a little bitching won't hurt...but this one goes out to you four...ze, john, tong, and joey...i feel that i have become more close with you guys although it's not in a gay way at all...but you guys are the only one i can really trust and rely on...all though it may seem like jsut some bullshit thing but it's not...i know when i have problems i can turn to you...but of course if i can't i always got my girl by my side...hahahaha...just kidding...don't go crying after reading this...but you know...all i know is...what ever happens i'll be there by your guys' side...no matter how hard things get we are all in it together...and when that day comes we go and start a life with the one we love just remember that i'll still be there no matter what...and that day when you guys go off to get married...you got a 48 oz. coming your way so start practicing...i'm sure tong has it down for sure..ze, joey, and johnny i dont' know but remember us boys are going to have to drink that 48 oz all together no matter what...remember when my time comes make sure i get the 48 oz cool? well anyways i've blabber too much for one day i guess...but remember what ever happens happens...what ever we do...we are all in it together...

what to say...what to do...every little thing that i do it has to be a mistake...yes i know that every one makes mistakes...but what happens when it is a mistake that causes the one you love to turn against you...you are stuck in the middle of it all...both side hates you...don't care much for you...turns every little thing you do into something negative...err...i dont' know what to do anymore...you try to drop it...try to be the bigger one and just drop it...but they keep bring it back up...and you just can't just sit there and not think about it when you know that they are hurting so bad...and i dont' know why do they turn all the things i'm saying to negative things...such as...i would do anything to see you happy...isn't that suppose to be a good thing not a bad thing?? i mean what is up?? how can they see that as being negative way...i don't know what i'm doing no more...this is so gay...every little thing i do..every little choice i make seems like is just all a big mistake...and why do i have such a big burden?? i carry way too much thing with me...errr...trying to be the best person i can...but appearently no one gives a damn that i'm trying to be the best that i can be...what else can i do to make me better huh?? if trying to make you happy is not good enough then should i just not do it?? but how am i suppose to do that when i know that your not happy at all?? what am i suppose to do?? i'm not those kind of people who don't care at all...i do care...and i dont' know why you don't see it at all...i just wish sometimes i can step into your shoe so that i can tell what you are thinking for once...you know? it seems that everything i say everything that i do is not enough for you...you always want me to be better...or whatever it is...it may seem like the blame game all over again...but i don't know what to say...it just seems like you think i'm just a big screw up or something...sure i know i screw up here and there...but i learned and didn't do it...and what happens...this happens...the " why are you on their side"...what is up with that i mean...i'm on no one's side...heck why do you even think that in the first place?? is just because it seems like i'm leaning toward them or something?? but can't you just forget about it already...i just dont' know what do anymore...is it better if i just pass way into the next life and wait for you guys at the stair gate to heaven and start all over...or what?? if just not forgetting it and starting over is not so easy then...you know i don't know...i know that i have done so wrong to you guys...but it's not like i chose them over you or anything like that...our childhood is the only happy thing i can remember...ever since i join band with my cousins...you guys started having less and less hope in me showing up to anything...you always seem to drift away...and each and everytime we argue about this stupid thing it seems that we drift even farther away...i don't want this to hapen you guys...i can't do this no more...i may seem like a strong person but i'm not...i run away all the time...you guys know that...i'm not strong like you think i am...i'm weak...i run away to a place called work...that's why i work all the time...to get away from all of it all...at work the workers there and the boss is so cool...you just forget all of your stress and problem...and i wish it wasn't like that...i wish it was you guys who help me through all of this stuff...but it's not you guys who help me at all...i don't know what to do to say to make it the way your hearts want me to be but i'm not perfect...you got to know that...i'm just not perfect...