Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris

Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Chuck Norris" into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!".

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person.

Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

Every dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 cowboy boot on its jaw. Scientists are baffled.

Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.

Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.

Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

Contrary to popular belief, George Bush is a great speaker and rarely mispronounces words. He appears incompetent because he knows Chuck Norris is watching.

Chuck Norris once went on Celebrity Jeopardy and answered, "Who is Chuck Norris?" to every question. It was the first and only time in Jeopardy history that a contestant answered every single question right.

Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the fuck off.

Although Spiderman's spidey sense is impressive, Chuck Norris has a roundhouse sense that allows him to kick ass before the ass even shows up.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris ends every relationship with "Its not me, its you".

Chuck Norris' sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.

Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be Chuck Norris.

If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.

The first lunar eclipse took place after Chuck Norris challenged the sun to a staring contest. Chuck Norris always wins.

Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politley signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth

1) Your gender: male
(2) Straight/gay/bi?: Straight as an arrow
(3) Single?:No
(4) Want to be?: Single? No
(5) Your birth day: April 23rd
(6) Age you wish you were: 20
(7) Your height: 5.8 ish not too sure
(9) The color of your eyes: blue
(10) The color of your hair: Dark you might say blackish
(11) Piercing?: Nope
(12) Tattoos?: One

D O Y O U . . .

(13) Smoke? No, lung capasity of a 4 year old. I'd proberly die if i did
(14) Do drugs? Only the ones for my asthma
(15) Read the newspaper? I don't think the SUN counts!!
(16) Pray? Only when i need something or a favour
(17) Talk to strangers? Yeah
(1 Take walks in the rain? No. my toes get cold
(19) Drive: Yep
(20) Like to drive fast? Only when i need to.

H A V E Y O U E V E R . .

(21) Hurt yourself?: Many times. Fell of one or two walls when i was a kid.
(22) Been out of the country? ose America, Fiji, New Zealand, Australia, Malaysia, Thailand & Hong Kong Count?
(23) Been in love? I am right now
(24) Done drugs? I'll refer you back to my answer for No. 14
(25) Been Drunk? Is the pope catholic?
(26) Gone skinny dipping?: No
(27) Had a surgery?: Once
(2 Ran away from home? No i was too comfortable
(29) Played strip poker? Nope
(30) Been picked on? Yeah
(31) Been on stage?: I had a line in a Christmas play and i fluffed it!!
(32) Slept outdoors? Yep
(33) Had a best friend? Yep.
(34) Pulled an all-nighter?: Yes
(35) If yes, what is your record?: All night
(36) Talked on the phone all night?: No, I ran out of credit
(37) Slept together with the opposite sex without actually having sex? no
(3 Slept all day? No, i'm a light sleeper
(39) Killed someone? No, But i'll try anything once.
(40) Made out with a stranger?: Yep
(41) Had sex with a stranger?: Nah
(42) Kissed the same sex?: Yuck!!
(43) Done anything sexual with the same sex? No
(44) Been betrayed? Yes
(45) Broken the law? Broken a few red lights in my day, but i swear they were all amber!
(46) Met a famous person? Farther Jack
(47) Been on radio/TV.? Yeah won a trip to New York on the radio and the called me live on air. I think i sweared a bit
(4 Been in a mosh-pit?: Yes
(49) Had a nervous breakdown? Once while working for DELL
(50) Been criticized about your sexual performance?: No
(51) Had a dream that kept coming back? I don't remember dreams
(52) Shoe type? Ones that cover my toes
(53) What are you normally wearing to college/work? T-Shirt and jeans
(55)Judge other people by their clothing?: No
(56) Wear make-up? Only on weekends!!
(57) Favorite place to shop? HMV, Virgin etc
(5 Favorite article of clothing? One of my numerous hoodies
(59) Are you trendy? Yes i am

B E L I E F S

(60) Believe in life on other planets? Yes
(61) Miracles?: Sure
(62) Astrology? No
(63) Magic?: No
(64) God?: Why not
(65) Satan: Yeah
(66) Santa?: Why would you ask that question?
(67) Ghost: Yes
(6 Luck?: Yeah.
(69) Love at first sight? Yes
(70) Yin and Yang? Yes
(71) Witches? No
(72) Easter bunny: No
(73) Believe it's possible to remain faithful foreva? Yes
(74) Believe there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? No, they have already been nicked
(75) Do you wish on stars? Yeah sometimes

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON....

(90) That you laughed at?: Myself
(91) That laughed at you?: Proberly Helen
(92) That you talked to: Helen & Lucy
(93) Went shopping with? Me
(94) Who dissapointed you? Rusty ( the dog), for doing a huge shit on the main street
(95) To ask you to go out? Helen,
(96) To make you cry? Me, When i twisted my ankle coming down some stairs
(97) To brighten up your day?: Rusty.
(9 That you thought about? Helen
(99) You saw a movie with? Rusty, we watched land of the dead (he thought the plat was a little thin)
(100) You talked to on the phone? Helen's Mum
(101) You talked to through IM? ??????????????????
(102) You saw?: Helen, Lucy & Rusty

Brian: So how did she take it?
Peter: I told her she was fat.
Brian (hits Peter with rolled up paper): NO, NO!