50 Culchie Commandments

01 - Thou shalt drink only pints and/or "whiskey."
02 - Thou shalt always ate the skin of yer rasher.
03 - Thou shalt always stand at the back during mass, or even better, in the porch talking.
04 - Thine Wife shalt emulate Biddy from Glenroe.
05 - Thou shalt think Richie Kavanagh is fierce funny, and have all his records on your mantelpiece at home
06 - Thou shalt emulate Miley.
07 - Thou shalt pretend to know all about "The Headage."
08 - Thou shalt look after your tractor better than your car.
09 - Thou shalt have no "Revershing" lights or number plate on your trailers.
10 - Thou shalt display a "Travellin' to Flavin" sticker on the back window of all vehicles.
11 - Thou shalt wear your Ivomec Pour-On fleece with pride.
12 - Thou shalt not use but half-inch Wavin or "a good Sally Rod" for beatin cattle.
13 - Thine sons shall play GAA.
14 - Thine daaawwwthur shall marry the local centhur-forward.
15 - Thou shalt hold regular arguments with d'telly.
16 - Thou shalt reminisce the Fair Day, the Threshing, Kickin' Cabbages and the Corncrake.
17 - Thou shalt know a Mickeen Tomeen Joe and a Paddy Joe Paaaack from "the top of the parish."
18 - Thou shalt ate "Hang Sangwiches" and drink Cidona at all GAA matches.
19 - Thou shalt hate "Those Backstards the Tans."
20 - Thou shalt be edumacated by the Chrissshtian Brethers.
21 - Thou shalt pronounce 'Yellow' as 'Yella'.
22 - Thou shalt carry the A.I. Man's mobile number on you at all times.
23 - Thou shalt not visit Dublin [except to Croker and to bring the wife shoppin' on the 8th of December ].
24 - Thou shalt not fail to attend the Ploughing Championships and all Steam Rallies.
25 - Thou shalt always know how to reek turf bether than thine Neighbour.
26 - Thou shalt use balin' twine to hold up thine trousers.
27 - Thou shalt not ever visit the dentist.
28 - Thou shalt not miss an episode of "The Weather."
29 - Thou shalt have many many injuries from "that Hooooor of Charlois I got from that cowboy calf-dealer."
30 - Thou shalt wear cap crooked.
31 - Thou shalt love all Big John Wayne's fims, especially "The Quiet Man."
32 - Thine son shall be nicknamed "Bungalow," 'cos "he's got nothin' upstairs."
33 - Thou shalt shoot stray dogs.
34 - Thou shalt drown cats.
35 - Thou shalt think all Lesbians are from Lesbia.
36 - Thou shalt annually run the tractor off the end of the pit when tramping silage.
37 - Thou shalt taste all barrels of Molasses.
38 - Thou shalt think it's great craic to ring PJ and roar into the phone while he's with "the bit of stuff."
39 - Thine favourite chat-up line shalt be "Howya fixshed for a bit a howya goin' on ?" whilst winking like an epileptic.
40 - Thou shalt paint "Whatever County for Sam!" on all of your round bales.
41 - Thou shalt never leave the country.
42 - Thou shalt have a Heinz-57 mongrel of a dog which is for nothin' except terrorising the neighbour's sheep.
43 - Thou shalt only bathe on a sathurday niyat, using only carbolic soap
44 - Thou shalt "Suck Diesel."
45 - Thou shalt always support your county GAA team whilst curshing them for being "pure shite" at every given opportunity.
46 - Thine sweet of choice shall be either Ritchies After-Dinner Mints or Silvermints.
47 - Thou shalt only be aware of strippers of the bovine kind.
48 - Thou shalt refer to Soccer as "The Foreign Game."
49 - Thou shalt always sing to dirty line to "Alice."
50 - Thou shalt always receive Communion on the tongue, licking the priest's hand in the process

NORTHSIDE LEAVING CERT
MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS
IN THE NORTHSIDE OF DUBLIN

NAME _________________________
NICK-NAME ____________________
GANG NAME ____________________

1. Deco has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Vinno for 300 Euro and 90 grams to Tomo for 90 Euro a gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

2. Anto pimps 3 brassers. If the price is 40 Euro a royde, how many roydes per day must each brasser perform to support Vinno's 500 Euro a day crack habit?

3. Whacker wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 Euro, to make a 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need?

4. Doyler got 6 years for murder. He also got €350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends €33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of the 'Joy?
Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Doyler get for killing the slapper that spent his money?

5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with an eight fluid ounce can of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?

6. Liamo steals Eamo's skateboard. As Liamo skates away at a speed of 35 mph, Eamo loads his brother’s Armalite. If it takes Eamo 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liamo have travelled when he gets whacked?

SOUTH SIDE LEAVING CERT

IN THE SOUTHSIDE OF DUBLIN
NAME______________________________
_________________________
__________________________________
_________________________
__________________________________
_________________________
__________________________________
_________________________________
_________________________
_________________(if longer, please continue on a separate sheet)

SCHOOL____________________
DADDY'S COMPANY___________

1. Julian smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing three people. The old man asks his local TD to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Julian driving now?

2. Chloe's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Chloe doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?

3. Roly fancies the arse off a certain number of tarts, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two-thirds?

4. If Savannah throws up four times a day for a week she can fit a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce et Gabbano. How much does liposuction cost?

5. Alexander is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When does his Sunday Independent column start?

COUNTRY LEAVING CERT

MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS
OUTSIDE DUBLIN

Name: Paddy/Mary _________________________

1. If Paddy Joe Murphy drove a Massey Ferguson through PaddyJohn’s turnip crop at 10miles an hour. What colour was Paddy John’s tractor?

2. If John Joe likes Mary and Mary likes Paddy, how much is a pint of stout in O'Brien’s at the crossroads?

3. Paddy Joe Mahoney has 25 sheep, 10 cows, 12 hens, a cockerel and 6 geese. John Joe has 12 sheep, 18 cows and 12 pigs. How much does Paddy Joe offer to John Joe for a dowry for Mary?

4. If it takes Sarah Jane 40 minutes to cycle 12 miles to O'Brien’s on the crossroads for the ceilidh and it takes Mary Murphy 40 minutes to walk 2 miles to O'Brien’s, which girl will end up in John Joe’s hay barn?

5. If Paddy Joe’s prize hen can lay 4 eggs every morning and

'Queens of the Castle- November 10th 2007'
On the 10th of November to Athy Town we went,
To meet a great team who from Larries were sent,
We got warmed up and went on our way,
With Madelines holy medals praying this was our day!

With Laura in goal-shes a great Lass,
A great pair of hands nothing will pass,
With Dierdre and Emma a backline of great skill,
Lets not forget Elaine-Our own Licence to Kill!

Then Louisa makes a run with Carol-Ann by her side,
And Kav in the middle taking all in her stride,
With backs like those all forwards take flight,
And even on the dance floor-My what a sight!

And in the Middle Aoife the baby of our side,
She outplayed Larries best and filled us with pride,
And Steffi my hero what a talent is she,
Agus bá mhaith leí cáca in the shape of a croí!

Now Gráinne always thought Fintan was a lovely fellow,
But not anymore since he gave her a yellow!
But Stretch and Laura kept the dog from the door,
And Grá returned in ten Minutes to an almighty roar!

Nicola is the captain of this wonderful crew,
And a recruitment from Grange Geraldines there too,
Moll is a legend what more can I say,
When she swings that left peg she just makes our day!

Now what can I say about the last few minutes?
We tried to hold on with only two points in it,
Then a goal from the Larries gave us a big fright,
Extra time was called for and Mary said-‘Right.’

Then Mick, Theo and Anto rallied their troops,
‘Give everything you’ve got for the green and white hoops’
Niamh, Rhona and Nicola entered the fray,
That’s when we all really started to pray!!

With a minute on the clock it looked like Larries crown,
But we stuck to our task and refused to lie down,
Then Niamh and Ais they twice hit the net,
And brought us a day we’ll never forget.

Now the game it is over and we have the cup,
For those Castlemitchell girls they never give up,
So here we all gather- this win to celebrate,
And now we look forward to a great ‘08!