A man feared that his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he
called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband can perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not,
go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He said to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens."
In a normal tone he asked, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
So he moved closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeated, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moved into the dining room where he was about 20 feet from his wife, and asked, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again, no response.
So, he walked up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again, there was no response.
So he walked right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
"Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!"

A demitasse would fit his head like a sombrero.
A guy with your IQ should have a low voice too!
A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.
A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind.
After meeting you, I've decided I am in favor of abortion in cases of incest.
All of your ancestors must number in the millions; it's hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing you.
All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them a penny and square the account?
Alone: In bad company.
And there he was: reigning supreme at number two.
Any friend of yours ... is a friend of yours.
Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
Are you brain-dead?
Are your parents siblings?
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
As useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker. ~ Earl Pitts ~
As welcome as a rattlesnake at a square dance. ~ Robert Reinhold ~
At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people - you are obnoxious in a different and worse way!
Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
Believe me, I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit?
Better at sex than anyone, now all he needs is a partner.
Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing!
Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Can I borrow your face for a few days while my ass is on vacation?
Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!
Converse with any plankton lately?
Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
Did the mental hospital test too many drugs on you today?
Did you eat paint chips when you were a kid?
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
Did your parents have any children that lived?
Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?
Do you have to leave so soon? I was about to poison the tea.
Do you want do die stupid?
Do you want me to accept you as you are or do you want me to like you?
Doesn't know the meaning of the word fear, but then again he doesn't know the meaning of most words.
Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!
Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?
Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.
Don't mind him. He has a soft heart and a head to match.
Don't thank me for insulting you. It was my pleasure.
Don't think, it may sprain your brain!
Don't you have a terribly empty feeling ---- in your skull?
Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us another?
Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down.
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.
Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.
Excellent time to become a missing person.
Fat? You're not fat, you're just ... fat.
For two cents I'd give you a piece of my mind - and all of yours.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.
Go fart peas at the moon !!
Grasp your ears firmly and remove your head from your ass.
Has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.
Has the IQ of lint.
Have you considered suing your brains for nonsupport?
He can open his mail with that nose!
He can think without moving his lips!
He comes from a long line of real estate people -- they're a vacant lot.
He does the work of three men: Moe, Larry, and Curly.
He doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt. --From "Steel Magnolias"
He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this morning.
He has a mind like a steel trap -- always closed!
He has depth, but only on the sur

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." says the doc. Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."
Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look
at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What, because
he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my
dad, or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've
cut off your arms!"
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"