January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.


February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottl
 es won't fit in typewriter!!!


March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6
months.....box said "2-4 years!"


April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went
out!!!


May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!


June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a
slope.


July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!


August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped
because soft-top was open.


September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???


October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.


November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1
hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!


December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven"
button on the stupid phone!!!

What a year!!

>How many men does it take to open a beer?

>None. It should be opened when she brings it.

>-------------------------------------------------------------------

>Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

>Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably

>never be able to support you.

>--------------------------------------------------------------------

>Why do women have smaller feet than men?

>It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows

>them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

>-------------------------------------------------------------------

>How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

>When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

>-------------------------------------------------------------------

>How do you fix a woman's watch?

>You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

>-------------------------------------------------------------------

>If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at

>the front door, who do you let in first?

>The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

>-------------------------------------------------------------------

>What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

>A woman who won't do what she's told.

>-------------------------------------------------------------------

>I married a Miss Right.

>I just didn't know her first name was Always.

>-------------------------------------------------------------------

>Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes

>a woman's sex drive by 90%.

>It's called a Wedding Cake.

>-------------------------------------------------------------------

>Why do men die before their wives?

>They want to.

>-------------------------------------------------------------------

>Women will never be equal to men until they can

>walk down the street with a bald head and a beer

>gut, and still think they are sexy.

>-------------------------------------------------------------------

>In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

>Then God created Man and rested.

>Then God created Woman.

>Since then, neither God nor Man has rested