A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected :

A quart of orange juice
A half gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A head of Romaine lettuce
A 2 lb can of coffee
and 1 lb of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelicts intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt but saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly"

Why are homeless people always asleep? What do they do to make them so tired?

If Tesco is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called, Holes?

Why is it than when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio?

Why is it a TV "Set" when you only get one?

Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards is Naive?

Why do people say "The alarm just went off" when it really just came on?

Do you wake up or open your eyes first?

How do "Do not walk on grass" signs get there?

What was Captain Hook's name before he had a hook for a hand?

Why is it that when adultshave multiple personalities they are put in a mental hospital, but when a child has imaginary friends it's cute?

Can you put a gay man in a straight jacket?

Aren't the 'good things that comes to those that wait' just the leftovers fom the people who got there first?

Who was the first person to say,"See that chicken over there... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out of its ass"?

If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Why is Donkey Kong called "DONKEY" Kong if he's a monkey?

When a boy is named after his Dad, he is called 'Junior,' but what do you call a girl that is named after her mother?

364 days a year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from strangers, yet on Halloween, it is encouraged! Why is that?

1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better": this will keep her on her toes. And girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. (Or, if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.)

3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs. They love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is, say "you better be". repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. this will show her you care.

5. when she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. this will pave the way for her own personal improvement. and every girl needs some improvement.

6. tell her you're taking her out to dinner. drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. then take her to a burning tire yard. when she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. then drive her home. when she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because i can."

7. introduce her to your friends as "some chick". women love those special nicknames.

8. play with her hair. play with it HARD.

9. warm her up when she's cold...and not by giving her your jacket... then you might get cold. rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop bitching about the cold right now you're going to be bitching about a black eye." the best way to get warm is with fear.

10. Take her to a party. When you get there she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the partys dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

11. make her laugh. a good way to do this is if she has a small pet. kick the pet. i always find stuff like that funny. why shouldn't girls?

12. let her fall asleep in your arms. when she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things. like basketball.

13. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

14. Every time you're in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way she'll go crazy.

15. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order interrupt and say no she's not hungry. make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

16. look her in the eyes and smile. then clock her one. girls love a spontaneous guy.

17. give her one of your t-shirts......and make sure it has your smell on it. but not a sexy cologne smell. a bad smell. you know what i'm talking about.

18. Titty twisters and plenty of them.

19. if youre listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. this way she'll think you're mysterious.

20. remember her birthday but don't get her something. Teach her material objects arent important. The only thing thats important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

21. when she gives you a present on your birthday, christmas, or just when ever, take it and tell her you love it. then next time you know she's coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. girls actually don't like this one that much but i think it's funny.