THE MAN TEST

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't drank enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing a diet...Faggot.

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer. It grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're pitched, you're so queer. (poodles are also classed as cats)

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, dummies, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as camp as a row of tents. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man's cock there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is & nbsp; you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are poofter.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk his horn at a slow-ass driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a burger, or hold his beer.

>>>> > She had a f*nny like a stab wound in a gorilla's back
>>>> >
>>>> > Look's like she's been dooking for apples in a chip pan
>>>> >
>>>> > Had more hands up her than sooty!
>>>> >
>>>> > She’s got a face like a dog lickin pi*h off a nettle.
>>>> >
>>>> > It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf
>>>> > shoe!
>>>> >
>>>> > She's got a face that could make an onion cry.
>>>> >
>>>> > I wouldn't ride her into battle.
>>>> >
>>>> > everyone has a right to be ugly, but she abuses the privilege
>>>> >
>>>> > I wouldn’t do her with a rusty pole
>>>> >
>>>> > mair chins than a Chinese phone book
>>>> >
>>>> > She smells like an alkies carpet
>>>> >
>>>> > she has seen more japseyes than an oriental optician
>>>> >
>>>> > It's like sha*gin a pail of water.
>>>> >
>>>> > It's like sha*gin the sleeve off a wizard’s cloak!
>>>> >
>>>> > she's killed more co*ks than a fowl butcher
>>>> >
>>>> > fa*ny like a ripped out fireplace
>>>> >
>>>> > face like a sand blasted tomato
>>>> >
>>>> > ar*e like a bag of washing
>>>> >
>>>> > She sweats like a dog in a Chinese restaurant
>>>> >
>>>> > she's seen more helmets than Hitler
>>>> >
>>>> > face like a stuntman's knee
>>>> >
>>>> > She's got a fa*ny like a badly packed kebab
>>>> >
>>>> > Like opening the window and sha*ging the night
>>>> >
>>>> > She's seen more co*kends than weekends
>>>> >
>>>> > A left her with a face like a painter's radio
>>>> >
>>>> > Fa*ny like a clowns pocket
>>>> >
>>>> > Fa*ny like a Hippo's yawn
>>>> >
>>>> > She's that ugly not even a sniper would take her out
>>>> >
>>>> > I bet she's got a fa*ny like a pub carpet
>>>> >
>>>> > More pri*ks than a second hand dartboard.
>>>> >
>>>> > face like a blind joiners thumb
>>>> >
>>>> > She’s done more lengths than Duncan Goodhew
>>>> >
>>>> > She's been shot over more times than Sarajevo
>>>> >
>>>> > Even the tide wouldn't take her out
>>>> >
>>>> > got more finger prints on her than Scotland Yard
>>>> >
>>>> > handled more balls than Dino Zoff
>>>> >
>>>> > pi*h flaps like John Wayne’s saddle bags
>>>> >
>>>> > She had a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout
>>>> >
>>>> > A c*nt like a burst couch
>>>> >
>>>> > A face like she's been ram raiding on scooters
>>>> >
>>>> > she’s had more seamen than Saltcoats
>>>> >
>>>> > She’s seen more stiffs than Quincy!
>>>> >
>>>> > She’s seen more cokes than a bottle of Bacardi!
>>>> >
>>>> > c*cked more times than Elmer Fudds shotgun

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER…

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses

8:30 Weigh-in 2 kgs lighter than yesterday

8:45 Breakfast in bed—freshly squeezed orange juice and
croissants; open presents- expensive jewellery chosen
by thoughtful partner

9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil

10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal
trainer

10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo,
condition, blow wave

12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor
café

12:45 Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that
she has gained 17 kgs

1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit

3:00 Nap

4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is
from secret admirer

4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk—says he rarely
gets to work on such a perfect body

5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe

7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with
compliments received from other diners/ dancers

10:00 Hot shower- alone

10:50 Carried to bed… freshly ironed, crisp, white
linen

11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling

11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM…
6:00 Alarm

6:15 Blow job

6:30 Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports
section

7:00 Breakfast—steak and eggs, coffee and toast—all
cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot
showing her growler

7:30 Limo arrives

7:45 Several beers en route to the airport

9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet

9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route)

9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)

11:45 Lunch—steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of
Dom Perignon

12:15 Blow job

12:30 Play back nine (4 under)

2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)

2:30 Fly to Bahamas

3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female
crew, all nude who also bend over a lot showing their
growlers

4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)—on light tackle

5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle
MacPherson (bending over showing her growler,
naturally)

6:45 Shit, shower and shave

7:00 Watch news—Michael Jackson assassinated

7:30 Dinner—lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953),
big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on
a big pair of tits

9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of
wall-sized TV as you watch football game

9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies

11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and
a cleansing beer

11:30 Night-cap blow job

11:45 In bed alone

11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and
forces the dog to leave the room

11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep