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1. Our balls are living thermostats, rising up and down in accordance with body temperature and climactic conditions. In fact, the astute female would do well to study this phenomenon as a man's balls provide the most accurate meteorological information possible. For instance, if a man's left testicle is hanging down four centimeters, it means that skies will be sunny and clear, the high will be 82 degrees, and sunset will be at 6:35 PM.

2. When you get out of bed to go to the bathroom, we put your panties over our noses and start breathing in deeply like the Dennis Hopper character in "Blue Velvet."

3. Our idea of a self-help book is TV Guide.

4. Our penises really do have minds of their own. They also have a nifty little timeshare of their own in the Hamptons. On any given weekend, you can see scores of them out there water-skiing, antiqueing, or lunching on fajitas.

5. If you have any videotapes that contain precious memories, do yourself a favor and knock out that little plastic tab. Otherwise, when our friend lends us a really hot porn video and we want to copy it, we wouldn't think twice about recording over our wedding video.

6. We fantasize about having the ideal family, but our ideal family is the Sopranos. Take for instance your sister. If she started yapping about her latest boyfriend or complaining about why we don't get "a real job," we'd have Pauly or Big Pussy rub her out.

7. We masturbate all the time when you're not around. In fact, house dust is nothing but desiccated semen.

8. Contrary to what we tell you, "little elves" have not stolen all of your Victoria's Secret Catalogs. In truth, we've stolen them all from your night stand for the last 10 years and they're piled up in our sock drawers.

9. When we're alone in the house, we grunt, forage for food, and scratch our bodies unashamedly. In fact, when we're alone, our behavior is pretty much indistinguishable from that of Dian Fosse's beloved mountain gorillas

10. While we like the card you bought us for Valentine's Day, we'd much rather that you shaved your pubes into a little heart and hid chocolate Easter eggs in there, thereby killing two holidays at once.

11. Perfume is fine, but if you really want to drive us wild, rub a gooey cinnamon bun over your neck and ears.

12. For every stuffed animal or ceramic turtle decorating the bedroom, the angle of our erections drops one degree.

13. Chances are, we've stuck our dick through any remotely round object in the house, so you may want to wash out the napkin rings before you set the Thanksgiving dinner table.

14. We pray that your birthday or our anniversary doesn't fall on the day the new "Star Wars" movie opens up, or for that matter, when the NBA playoffs begin, or when it's the day of the Super Bowl, or the first game of the World Series, or the day of the NFL draft, or when TBS is showing "Lethal Weapon" for the 80th time, etc.

15. If we watch "Felicity" with you, it sure as hell ain't because of the story line. The truth is, that curly-haired little vixen kinda' turns us on.

16. There's a small erogenous zone about the size of a dime up our right nostril. No, no, forget what Cosmo tells you about our erogenous zones. We've got one. It's 5 to 7 inches long, slightly reddish and angry looking, and we prefer you address it as Shamu, Conan, or Two-Ton Tony.

17. Our idea of ballet is the gun battle in any John Woo movie.

18. Screw the romantic meal and the mood music. If you want to be laid properly, screw a red light bulb into your bedside lamp. Either that or just show up.

19. Our tear ducts are largely vestigial organs, but they do spout a few paltry tears when Old Yeller dies at the end of the movie, and when we learned that Denise Richards is getting married to Charlie Sheen.

20. We don't like it when your dildo is bigger than we are, not that that's possible, no siree, no way.

21. The Corpus Spongiosum is not Chrysler's follow-up to the LeBaron.

100. Girls enjoy always having something kind of wrong, like a headache or cramping or something. Remember: No matter how bad it sounds, she’s going to outlive you.

99. Most women will not have sex for the first time with a guy unless their legs are shaved. If your date shows up and you spot stubble, she’s trying to keep herself in line.

98. No matter how much she reassures you, if you can’t get a hard-on she assumes you’re not attracted to her.

97. Beware of your girlfriend's single party friend or gay bud. They want her to be single with them and will encourage any bad behavior as often as possible.

96. Jewelry. Now you always know what to get her for a last-minute gift.

95. The sight of you in your socks and underwear is the biggest turnoff in the world.

94. Never trust a girl who has no girlfriends. She doesn’t get along with other women because she’s either bat-shit crazy or just plain mean.

93. Girls who say, “I love sports!” are lying. Girls who ask you what time the game is on, without specifying which game they’re talking about, are not.

92. A random hookup is more likely to result in pregnancy, because a woman has more sex when she’s most fertile.

91. She still has all the love letters and cards from her past boyfriends.

90. Just started dating? Women want you to drive, even if it’s their car.

89. A girl would prefer to get a $100 gift from Tiffany & Co. than a $500 gift from Fortunoff. Why? Because her friends will ask where she got it.

88. “If I give you my number on Friday, Tuesday and Wednesday are your best bets to score a date. Monday is too desperate, Thursday is too late.”—Claire, 27

87. Your female coworkers are obsessed with the fact that on average they receive less pay than male counterparts—and the fact that they work less overtime and get pregnant is irrelevant to the discussion.

86. Laying a towel down over the wet spot is like putting your jacket over a mud puddle for her, you noble bastard.

85. A recent study revealed that natural blondes could be extinct in 200 years, so unless she’s Norwegian, her towhead might be bottled.

84. Sixteen percent of American men have been with a prostitute—scientific proof most women are decent in bed.

83. Women always want to believe what you’re saying is true.

82. What do women really want in bed? More blankets. They get colder than men.

81. The threesome is not about you; it’s about the two girls. If you’re lucky enough to score one with your girlfriend, enjoy sex with the other one because there’s a good chance it’ll end the relationship.

80. If women have an excuse to take a pill, they’ll take it.

79. Never trust the woman who gives you the best blow job you’ve ever had.

78. “I hate when my boyfriend is sweaty and tries to lie down on top of me or cuddle after I’ve come. Wait five minutes.”—Erin, 21

77. The average woman kisses 79 men before getting married.

76. She hates your Xbox more than she lets on. Blow her off for some gaming and she’ll soon stop wasting time on a dork like you.

75. Women who are obsessed with their dogs also like to keep their men on a short leash.

74. “Girls who buy their men lap dances and pretend to enjoy it are kidding themselves. They’re trying to keep him happy with some controlled freedom.”—Suzy, 31

73. Over the course of her life, a woman will use 10 men for every one she loves. If you lent her your car or helped her move and didn't get laid, you're one of the 10.

72. During emergencies, women are likely to remain calmer than men. Though it should be noted that inventing minor crises on a weekly basis gives them more practice.

71. “Women grow hairs in a lot of the same places that men do—lower abdomen, nipples—we just get rid of them.”—Katie, 26

70. Unless they’re lesbians, she won’t approve of your hanging out with other girls. Even if they’re ugly. And, really,