Money can't buy friends, but it can get you a better class of enemy.


All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy


Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?


A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.


Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.


Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.


I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.


Education isn't everything, for a start it isn't an elephant


I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.


I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.


I'm a hero with coward's legs.


I can speak Esperanto like a native.


His vibrato sounded like he was driving a tractor over a ploughed field with weights tied to his scrotum.


Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.


It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.


I'm having difficulty getting the doctors around here to sign the appropriate form.
on seeking permission to celebrate 80th birthday with 12,000 ft skydive


Well, we can't stand around here doing nothing, people will think we're workmen


My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.


Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.


For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.