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The following is based on actual events. Only the names, locations and events have been changed.
Last time I looked in the dictionary, my name's Ron Burgundy. What's your name?
Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention. I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you, to stop what you're doing and listen. Cannonball!
Not so fast, you ingrates. Public News Team is taking a break from its pledge drive to kick some ass. No commercials; no mercy.
Oh Audrey - I look like hell! I got bags under my eyes. What's that? Well if you were a man, I'd punch you. Punch you right in the mouth. That's bush. Bush league. YOU HEAR ME? AUDREY! LOOK AT ME! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Alright?
What? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole... wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? Heck, I'm not even mad; that's amazing. How 'bout we get you in your p.j.'s and we hit the hay.
I'm in a glass case of emotion.
Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.
I'm gonna punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker.
Hello? Who is this? Baxter... is that you? Baxter! Bark twice if your in Milwaukee... Is this Wilt Chamberlain? Have the courage to say something! Hello?
This is your doctor. I have your pregnancy report here, and guess what. You got knocked up.
Great Odin's raven.
I'm gonna shoot you with a BB gun when you're not looking. Yep, back of the head.
Don't act like you're not impressed.
Oh, Baxter, you are my little gentleman. I'll take you to foggy London town 'cause you are my little gentleman. Wow, this burrito is delicious, but it is filling.
Jazz flute is for little fairy boys.
Son of a bee-sting.
Where'd you get your clothes... from the... toilet store?
[riding a bear] Hey, Ron. I'm riding a furry tractor.
I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I am polite and I am rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an I.Q. of 48 and am what some people call mentally retarded.
You stay classy, San Diego.
0 Comments 295 weeks
A man walks into a bar.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly
What do you call a cat with no tail?
A manx cat.
Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.
How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.
Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of
strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man
replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug
Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps
out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell
pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Some poems rhyme
But this one doesn't.
What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?
What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
One was the first man on the moon, the other's a child molestor.
Doctor, I've broken my leg.
I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk again.
There's an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman and they are all
trapped in a jail cell.
Eventually they all starved to death.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To escape the Nazis.
Did you hear about the Irishman found under a shop?
He was killed and buried there. It was gang-related.
What's the difference between a rottwieller and a poodle?
There are many differences. They are two totally different breeds of dog.
What do you get if you cross a horse and a donkey?
A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on a plane.
However, it is a short flight and they do not talk to each other.
2 Comments 303 weeks
I think you're______.
I've always wanted to_____you
You are very______.
When i've had a bad day you make me______.
I think it's cute when_______.
We could_____Under the stars.
One day i will_______.
You really make me_____.
You mean____to me.
You are the most_____person i know.
I filled out this blog because_________.
If you were to die i'd________.
I always knew you loved______
I hate it when_____
I want to tell you how______you are because you deserve to know!!
Loads of love [_______]
15 Comments 370 weeks
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