How brightly lit the area is
The observer's eye-sight quality
The amount of smoke in the air
The distance of the observer from the observed
The formula goes like this:


β = (An)2 x d(S + 1)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
√L x (Vo)2


where:
An is the number of servings of alcohol
S is the smokiness of the area on a scale of 0 - 10
L is the lighting level of the area, measured in candelas per square meter, in which 150 is normal room lightning
Vo is Snellen visual acuity, in which 6/6 is normal and 6/12 is the lower limit at which someone is able to drive
d is the distance between the observer and the observed, measured in meters
Source: BBC News
The formula works out a "beer goggle" score ranging from 1 to 100+. When β = 1, the observer is perceiving the same degree of beauty he or she would perceive in a sober state. At 100+, everybody in the room is a perfect 10.

Two atoms are walking down the street.

Says one atom to the other, "Hey! I think I lost an electron!"

The other says, "Are you sure??"

"Yes, I'm positive!"



If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate!



A neutron walks into a restaurant and orders a couple of cokes. As she is about to leave, she asks the waiter how much she owes. The waiter replies, "For you, No Charge!!!"



A sign outside the chemistry hotel reads "Great Day Rates, Even Better NO3-'s"




A small piece of ice which lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Bunsen! my flame! I melt whenever I see you" said the ice. The Bunsen burner replied :"It's just a phase you're going through".



Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says: " Do you know how fast you were going? Heisenberg replies: "No, but I know where I am".



Why did the white bear dissolve in water? Because it was polar.



What do you call a tooth in a glass of water? A one molar solution.



What do dipoles say in passing? "Have you got a moment?"



Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak? Because it's in the ground state.



What do you do with a dead chemists? Barium



What weapon can you make from the elements potassium, nickel and iron? A KNiFe.



What did one titration tell the other? Let's meet at the endpoint.



Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.



Did you hear about the chemist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.



Why do chemistry professors like to teach about ammonia? Because it's basic material.



What is a cation afraid of? A dogion.



What did the Cowboy Chemist tell his horse? HIO Ag!!!!



How many moles are in a guacamole? Avocado's number.



Why did Carbon marry Hydrogen? They bonded well from the minute they met.



What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry faculties? Methylated spirits.



If H20 is water what is H204? Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming. . .



According to a chemist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.

What's the difference between Chemistry and cooking? In Chemistry, you should never lick the spoon.

A group of organic molecules were having a party, when a group of robbers broke into the room and stole all of the guest's joules. A tall, strong man, armed with a machine gun came into the room and killed the robbers one by one. The guests were very grateful to this man, and they wanted to know who he was. He replied: My name is BOND, Covalent Bond.

---BAR---
*People waving their money at you/throwing it at you in the hope of being served before everybody else who has been waiting longer.

*People who take 15 minutes to remember what they need to order, while 100 other angry people are waiting to be served.

*People who order a round of 20 drinks, then dont have enough cash to pay for them.... then you have to wait for them to get cash out or put it through on credit while the 100 other angry custmers get even more impatient. CREDIT IS A BITCH! it takes too long!

*People who demand a free glass of tap water! Then demand ice! a Lemon wedge! AND a straw! and then don't even say PLEASE or THANK YOU!!

*People who think its ok to mime what they would like to order! YOU'RE IN A FUCKING BAR WITH LIVE MUSIC! speak up when you order if you want the right drink!

*People who lean right over the bar to order and SCREAM in your ear and spit all over your face!! especially if a drop of spit goes anywhere near your mouth! EWwww!

* It is NOT ok to call us "Hey" or "Yo", nor do we respond to whistles or banging your bottle or glass on the bar! People who do this deserve to be served last! Or not at all! Keep walking straight past them like you can’t see them!

*People who leave their drink on the bar for 10 minutes and come back to find that you have thrown it out (for their own safety incase it has been spiked while no one has been watching it...) and they blast you and demand a free replacement even though they had already drunk most of it before anyway!

*People who think that because you are polite to them, that you want to sleep with them! GROSS! Its our job to be polite to you.... we don’t actually like you at all! YOU REPULSE US! The guy before you was flirting too! And the guy before him! You are no different sweetheart!

*People who ask for stupid drinks like "I'll have a glass of wine...." Arghhhh, ok well red or white? "white" chardonnay, sav blanc, riesling, frontingac? "whatever!" CHARGE THESE PEOPLE FOR THE MOST EXPENSIVE WINE ON THE LIST! IDIOTS!

*People who look at you like your mentally retarded when they ask for "a Pure Blonde" and you ask "Would you like a schooner or a pint?" and they scream in your face "NO! A PURE BLONDE!"

*Drunken tacky women who you see come up to the bar every 10 minutes hooking up with a different revolting man just so that he will buy her a drink! AND KEEP THAT GROSS SLOPPY DRUNKEN HOOKING UP AWAY FROM THE BAR! IT MAKES EVERYONE ELSE WANT TO VOMIT!

*People (Generally Men) who think that they are funny when they pass you a $20 note to pay for their drink but when you go to take it from them they snatch it back like its a game of tug-o-war! this is NOT funny! especially when other people are waiting to be served!

*People who can see that you are in the middle of making several drinks and say “when you get a chance….” NO! Obviously right now I am doing something and I don’t have a chance! When I get a chance I will come to you!

*People who say “I’m a bartender too!” THINK I CARE?? Do these people believe that they will receive preferential service just because thy work in some crummy bar on the other side of town which nobody has ever even heard of… And if you do really work in a bar, we will know by the way you behave.

*People who complain about prices!! People who clearly want to impress their friends and or business associates and order an expensive drink..... Don't ruin it by complaining about the price. YES, Johnnie Walker Blue label is $32 a glass! And YES! I am sure! Order something cheaper next time.

*People who complain that there is no alcohol in their drink when there is! Yes there IS alcohol in it! If you can’t taste it you are too drunk and should be cut off! If you want an extra shot you pay!

*People who write their phone number on serviette’s, beer coasters or anything of the like and pass it over the bar to you and wink. Ewww! If I didn’t ask for it I don’t