Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect
post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in
the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're
stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However,
latelyI've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to
believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your
influence has led to some unwisen consequences:

1. Phone calls:
While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the
suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place
after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends
when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day,
let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that
I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese,
onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off
with a Kit Kat after a few sweet chilli and sour cream red rock
chips)? I'm an electic eater, but I think you went too far this
time.

3. Clumsiness:
Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to
improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me
to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks
that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 4 or 5 seconds to get the
front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is
completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if
the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
aspirin)prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen
floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal
inno way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now &
wouldlike to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the
invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and
the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra
money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that
you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I
will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on
your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this
fruitfulpartnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive dis order

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?

Start at LondonHeathrowAirport.

Catch flight from London Heathrow to DallasFort WorthAirport.

Hire car at DallasFort WorthAirport.

Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South" follow for 0.2 miles.

Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow for0.3miles

Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North AirportExit" -follow for 2.9 miles

Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for 29.2miles

Then continue on "US287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles

US287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles

Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for 104.0 miles

US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles

Continue to follow "US287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles

Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for 7.8 miles

Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5 miles

Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for 1.7 miles

Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1 miles

Arrive at the centre of town.

please scroll down

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Now that's the fu#&ing way to Amarillo!

SO CAN EVERYONE STOP SINGING IT NOW . . . . .