online courses suck. don't have time to write. monkeys have stolen my brain.

later,
heather

There are so many weird, messed up thoughts swimming through my head today. I'm honestly not sure if I'm going to get back together with Jason after our break that we're taking. I don't know if I can feel that way for him. He's a sweet guy and all, and I do like him, I'm just not too sure if I like him in *that* way. It's confusing. Mike should be happy, I'm not all hung up over him now. I'm finally getting around to dealing with stuff that happened back in March. I've finally gotten closure and it still hurts, but I've gotta move on, even though, I still don't think that I'm gonna find someone I wanna marry as much as I wanted to marry Matthew. He wants to marry beckie now. I just can't stand it, it hurts me and though I shouldn't let it bother me, it does and it's driving me insane that he'd rather have that backstabber who is more than likely using him, than me, the girl who'd do anything for him. Maybe he'll realize it one day and I know it's wishful thinking, but I can't help it, I had another one of my dreams last night. It was really weird. I'm not going into detail, but it was just like the last few that have come true, well, it was like them in how real it felt. If that's any indication, then Matt's gonna end up hurt and I'm gonna be there to help him feel better about it. I kinda hope it was like the dreams that I've had that have come true.

Later,
Heather

I am happy for him, it just hurts a bit. When you've truly been in love with someone, you don't forget about all of the memories, good and bad, that you have shared together. You don't lose those feelings, they just fade. I feel bad because I can't move on for some stupid reason and I'm going to end up hurting Jason if I don't get out of the past. I can't fall in love again. It hurts too much when they fall outta love with me. It freaking hurts. I know that there's no way that I'm gonna open my heart up for anyone anymore. I'm tired of getting hurt. I just wanna be happy, but I can't find happiness with a guy. People hurt me, so I should just become a hermit and live alone for ever, or become the crazy cat lady. I'm going to cry because I am such a stubborn little person...I don't like crying, so I'm closing my heart up . I don't care if I'm only 19, I don't care. I'm not opening up to anyone...ever. It hurts too much.

Man, I'm bitter. I'm working on it though. When you've had as many failed relationships as I have...you start to wonder about the whole being meant for someone thing...

Later,
Heather