25 things that make you feel like a man

1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open
it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are
men's work.

2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids
makes you the man.

3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce
tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and
crippling the man. Magic.

4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here
love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.

5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as
you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish
noisy destruction.

6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on
and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards
the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles
to catch up with you. God, you're hard.

7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron
burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they
just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical
evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what
does it look like.

10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to
share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says,
"but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely
handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that
becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean
you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of
the pub doesn't know that.

14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently.
Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the
blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now
your dad.

16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms
with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until
then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber
later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing
better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight
to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See
ya."

20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do
that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which,
technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the
fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in
silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the
other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make
a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad,
bint?"

24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right,
i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh*t.

25, CALLING YOUR MATE A C**T - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a
man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in
hospit

http://www.break.com/index/slamball1...

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in the laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband /boyfriend -- along the
way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts etc. Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it is clean.

Condition your hair with conditioner enhanced with GRAPEFRUIT and mint.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mould spots with tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in a super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and the hand towel on head.

If you see your husband /boyfriend along the way, cover up any exposed areas.



HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN --

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave in a pile on the floor.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see your girlfriend/ wife along the way, shake willy at her making the "woo-woo"
sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

If you pass girlfriend/ wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the "woo-woo"
sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.