Paul O Connell

Paul O Connell can assemble the entire contents of an IKEA store
without instructions or an alan key.
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>When Paul O Connell was a child, he made his mother finish his
vegetables.
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>Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Paul O Connell".
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>If you wake up in the morning, it's because Paul O Connell spared your
life.
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>Paul O Connell won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance
Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are g*y.
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>What color is Paul O Connell's blood? Trick question. Paul O Connell
does not bleed.
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>Paul O Connell once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the
next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the
keys.
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>When Paul stares into the sun, the sun flinches.
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>If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken,
but Paul O Connell says its beef. Then it's beef.
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>James Bond has a license to kill. Paul O Connell don't need any
licenses.
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>Paul O Connell' calender goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no
one fools Paul O Connell.
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>1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Paul O Connell. Sounds like a fair
fight.
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>Paul O Connell played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
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>Paul O Connell once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
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>You can lead a horse to water. Paul O Connell can make him drink.
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>Paul O Connell once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made
him blink.
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>When you open a can of whoop-ass, Paul O Connell jumps out.
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>Simon Says should be renamed to Paul O Connell Says because if Paul O
Connell says something then you better do it.
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>Killing Paul O Connell doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
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>Paul O Connell does the Sunday New York Times Crossword Puzzle in ink.
>
>When Google can't find something, it asks Paul O Connell for help.
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>There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Paul O Connell way. It's
basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
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>When Paul O Connell watches a pot, it boils immediately.
>
>Paul O Connell once killed a group of Samurai Warriors with only a ball
point pen. This lead to the phrase "The pen is mightier than the sword."
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>Paul O Connell has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.
>
>When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Paul O
Connell.
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>Superman wears Paul O Connell pyjames
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>People with amnesia still remember Paul O Connell

FATHER TED! Ok i stole this from someones page so dont think im a freak who knows all d fr.teds off by heart xxxx!!!!

Fr. Stack: While you were out, I got the keys to your car. And drove it into a big wall. And if you don't like it, tough. I've had my fun, and that's all that matters.

Dougal: What's going on?
Priest: We're in Ireland's largest lingerie department
Dougal: No. I mean in general.

And now on BBC1: Jurassic Park. The Director's Cut. With extra dinosaurs.

Jack: How did that gobshite get on the television?

Ted: Dougal, do we have any incense?
Dougal: (uncertainly) There was.. a spider in the bath the other night....

Fr. Stack: You're sittin' there, watching those young boys in shorts. With a big smile on your face. Ye daerty feckers.

Dougal: Wait a second. You're Elvis as well!

Dougal: It's nice to have a nun around. Gives the place a bit of glamour.

Dougal: So then. You're a nun?

Ted: Of course... they all have lovely bottoms!

Father Brendan: God Ben I'm such an eejit - I've put the shorts - on me head !

Dougal: (trying to pray) Hail Mary who art in heaven.......
Ted: Hallowed.
Dougal: Oh yeah. Hallowed Be....
Ted: Thy Name...
Dougal: Papa Don't Preach........
Ted: Dougal, you know you can praise the lord with sleep.
Dougal: Really Ted? You can praise him in lots of ways, like that time you said that I could praise him just by leaving the room.
Ted: Yes, that was a good one !

John O'Leary: What can we do for you Father?
Dougal : I was looking for a pair of handcuffs actually.
John : A pair of handcuffs? What do you need them for?
Dougal : Oh nothing much, they're for me and Ted.
Mary : You and Father Ted?
Dougal : Yeah, we're just trying something out.
John : Well emm, actually, funnily enough we do have a pair. Sergeant Thornton left them here when he retired.
Dougal : Retired from what?
John : From the police.
Dougal : The police? Was Sergeant Thornton a policeman?
John : Emm, he was yes. Why do you think he wore the uniform?
Dougal : Oh I thought he was just having a laugh.
John : Anyway here's the handcuffs.
Dougal : Great, bye now.

Ted : So you took Father Jack out for a walk... and you lost him. Again.
Dougal : Well, Ted, like I said the last time: it won't happen again. Sure now, what's the worst that could happen to him anyway?
Ted : Well Dougal, he could have an accident and be killed.
Dougal : ...Oh right, yes.

Ted : Dougal, you can't sit around here watching television all day - chewing gum for the eyes!
Dougal : Oh no thanks Ted, I've got these crisps, here.

Mrs Doyle: Won't you have some cake, Father? It's got cocaine in it. Oh no, hang on, it's not cocaine, is it. What do I mean now? - the little things... Raisins!

Mrs Doyle: Oh she writes such filth, Father. It's always "Feck this" and "Feck that" - and sometimes she even uses the "F" word!

Mrs Doyle: Now come on Father, what would you say to a nice cup of tea?
Jack : FECK OFF CUP!!!!!!

Mrs Doyle: (whilst Ted is trying to eat a sausage) Oh it's a filthy, dirty business, sex. Can you imagine, Father. Your husband standing over you with his lad in his hand, wanting you to degrade yourself. I want you to get a good clear picture.

Jack : (after sobering up) YOU! YOU! YOU! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
Ted : That's a spoon, Father

Ted : I think we'd all like to make a little sacrifice.
Jack : SACRIFICE? ARSE!

Dougal : Oh Wow! It's like a big rabbit rock festival!

Dougal : Do you believe in God, then Ted?

Dougal : I'll have them Mrs Doyle. I love egg. In fact sometimes I think I'm going to turn into a big giant egg.
Ted : I think that process has already begun.

Ted : His note from the bishop said they never really found a suitable place for him... he's not a very nice man, is he?
Dougal : God, Ted. I've never met anyone like him anywhere... who would he be like - Hitler or one of those mad fellas.
Ted : Oh, worse than Hitler. You wouldn't find Hitler playin