1. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you’re still alive, it’s because Chuck Norris loves you.
6. Chuck Norris isn’t hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
7. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
8. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
9. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
10. Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
11. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
12. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
13. Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people
14. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
15. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
16. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
17. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
18. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
19.When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
20. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
21. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
22. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
23. Chuck Norris has a pet kitten - every night for a snack.
24. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
25. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
26. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
27. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
28. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door
29. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
30. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
31. What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
32. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
33. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
34. Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
35. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
36. Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
37. Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
38. Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
39. In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.
40. If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
41. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
42. Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
43. One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
44. W

1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "Could be better." This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness.
(Or--if she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are)

3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs. They love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is say "You better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most. Then--when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. Because jewelry is for wussies.

7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure shes looking. When she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words "F*ck you" and grab the other girls ass.
Girls love competition.

8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because I can."

9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick." Women love those special nicknames.

10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

11. Warm she up when shes cold...and not by giving her your jacket... then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "If you don't stop bitching about the cold right now you're going to be bitching about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the parties dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet...kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why shouldn't girls?

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things...like basketball.

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. If you care about her never ever tell her. This will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time youre in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair.
This way she'll go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when shes about to order interrupt and say "No, shes not hungry." Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile...then clock her one. Girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. Give her one of your t-shirts......and make sure it has your smell on it. But not a sexy cologne smell...a bad smell. You know what Im talking about.

21. When its raining keep asking her if shes crying. She'll say "No, its just the rain." Ten minutes later turn to her and just scream "Stop crying you f*cking baby!" Girls like a tough man as I've already stated.

22. Titty twisters...and plenty of them.

23. If you're listening to music and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.

24. Two words...Dutch oven.

25. Remember her birthday but don't get her anything. Teach her material objects arent important. The only thing thats important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present s