- I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
- I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
- Some days you are the pigeon. Some days you are the statue.
- Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
- Too many freaks. Not enough circuses.
- Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work is done here.
- I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
- You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
- Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark. Professionals, on the other hand, built the Titanic.
- If I throw a stick, will you leave?
- Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
- A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.
- Does it scare you that you are looking for wisdom from a T-shirt?
- Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
- I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
- If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
- Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.
- I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
- Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.
- Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.
- What was the best thing before sliced bread?
- Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
- The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
- Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
- I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
- God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will live forever.
- Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.
- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
- Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
- Women have PMS. Men have ESPN.
- Eating prunes gives you a good run for your money.
- If you live in a glass house, you should change clothes in basement.
- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
- I'll try being nicer if you will try being smarter.


If you've anymore just add em on