I'm writing this on here because I've given up facebook and myspace and to be honest, I don't want to be direct. Plus I know those it's aimed at probably won't read it and therefore I won't get into tonnes of shit for voicing my opinion. If I was on either of the above websites, there would be some serious bulletinage going on, and thus I'd seem like a whiny little scenester. HMPH.

Instead, I'll write a letter. Enjoy.

To You,

I had hoped it wouldn't reach this point, and to be completely honest with you, I didn't think it would. However, obviously things have gone awry and one of us, if not all are to blame.
Is it really that much effort to drag yourselves away for half an hour or so just to spend an afternoon with me? I know I can appear cold and it's not helpful that I'm completely unforthcoming but juggling what has become two separate lives that I've tried to intermingle is proving extremely difficult. I think maybe this time next year you'll understand where I'm coming from, but until then, I'm desperately trying to cling on to what has been slipping from my grasp over the past few months.
I probably sound like a selfish bitch at the moment, and I'm trying my very hardest not to be that way but y'know, sometimes it's difficult. Losing the people that mean the most to you in the entire world; not knowing whether you'll still be able to talk to them about things and not having them confide in you like normal is really not a good feeling. Maybe you felt it too in September, and for that I'm sorry but it was honestly the only way I was ever going to make it out. I've tried my best but at the same time, can you really blame me for trying to cement new things? I've got to spend two years in a place full of people I don't know, and so my gut instinct is to find some friends. You'd do the same too, I know. If only you knew how much I needed you and cared about you, maybe you'd cling on to me as much as I've been trying to cling on to you. Obviously it wasn't going to turn out that way so I might as well just not push it.
This is feeling extremely primary school, and the only people I can really talk to about it are you. Though I wouldn't dream of doing that because then I'd seem like an uber bitch, and would inevitably get it thrown back in my face.
There are times that I think it's all going back to some form of normality, then they shift and I realise that any kind of hope I once had for this to reach a positive conclusion has been shattered, and it's probably my fault.
Is it? Possibly. But I think there needs to be work on either side. It certainly seems like a chore every time I'm asked if I'm free. And I find out about all these things going on, either after they happen or half an hour before, so knowing makes it even worse. What hurts the most is that I try my very hardest to force some kind of integration, but obviously it's not working, and I don't know how long I should keep fighting. Whether it's on my back that this is happening I'm also unsure as although I'm the one that's moved, it feels as though you have as well.

I don't know any more. I wish you could read this, but at the same time I hope you don't.

I'll probably delete it soon.

Maybe.

Please talk to me,

Amy.