Paisley died and went to heaven, when he got there he knocked long and hard on the door. St.Peter came out and asked his name. YOU DON'T KNOW MY NAME ? I'M THE REV. IAN PAISLEY HE ROARED AT ST. PETER. St.Peter looked at his list and could not find his name. Sorry say's St.Peter your not on the list. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M NOT ON THE LIST??? DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO I AM??? As a matter of fact I do said St. Peter, but your name is not on the list, THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH I'M A VERY IMPORTANT PERSON MY NAME SHOULD BE ON THE LIST. St. Peter try's to explain that its not easy to get into heaven, and that you have to be a Catholic, when Paisley hears this he starts to complain, so St. Peter says that had he had been good to Catholics that he'd have had some chance. Well roared Paisley, I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I HAVE BEEN VERY GOOD TO CATHOLICS, WHY ONLY 2 WEEKS AGO I MET A YOUNG GIRL WHO HAD MADE HER COMMUNION AND I GAVE HER A POUND AND 2 WEEKS BEFORE I MET A YOUNG BOY WHO HAD MADE HIS COMMUNION AND I GAVE HIM A POUND, NOW WHAT DO YOU SAY NOW MR. ST. PETER ??? St. Peter took a few notes on what he said, he told Paisley to wait that he would have to go and talk to GOD and get some advice. About ten minutes later St.Peter come out and said to Paisley. HERES YOUR TWO POUNDS BACK, NOW FUCK OFF

Q: What were the Republicans doing while the Loyalists were building the Titanic?
A: Building an iceberg.

An English MP was addressing a crowd in Belfast. He stated to the masses "I was born an Englishman, I've lived an Englishman, and by God I shall die an Englishman!" Then, from the back of the crowd, a voice yelled "Shite man, have ye no ambition?"

Q. What is Irish diplomacy?
A. It's the ability to tell a man to go to hell.
So that he will look forward to making the trip

Seamus O Brien had been hailed the most intelligent Irish man for three years running. He had topped such shows as Larry Gogans 'Just a Minute Quiz' and 'Quicksilver' (before Bunny Carrs demise). It was suggested by the Irish Mensa board that he should enter into the English Mastermind Championships. He Did, and won a place. On they evening of the competition, Seamus enters from the crowd and placed himself on the Leather Seat and made himself comfortable. The lights dimmed and a spot light pointed at his face.

Magnus said "Seamus, What Subject are you studying?." Seamus responded, "Irish History". Very well said Magnus, Your first Question,

"In what year did the 'Easter Rising take Place?'

Seamus responds .."Pass"

OK said Magnus, "Who was the Leader of the Easter Rising?",

Seamus Responds .."Pass"

OK said Magnus, How long did the Easter Rising Last?"

Seamus Responds.. "Pass"

Instantly, a voice shout from the Crowd, "Good Man Seamus....Tell the English Nothing...."


DONNACHIES BAR COBH
Due to the sad death of Paddy, the bar to all intents and purpose, will remain closed during our grief, but so as not to inconvenience our esteemed customers, the door will remain ajar. Tis what Paddy wanted .
Thank you .
Donnachie family.

The following are actual excerpts from history reports and tests from America's finest high schools and colleges. Spelling has been preserved.

The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of huge triangular cubes.

The Soviets erected the Berlin Mall?

The Germans took the by-pass around France's Marginal Line. This was known as the "Blintz Krieg."

The Boston Tea Party was held at Pearl Harbor.

During the Dark Ages it was mostly dark.

History is nothing more than the behind of the present.

Hitler shot himself in the bonker.

World War II began turning around when the Allies landed near Italy's toe and gradually advanced up her leg.

Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Ralphy.


He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little RALPHY says, "Please Miss, I have a question for YOU".

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little RALPHY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."



LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH


Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3,'" I said "6", replies RALPHY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3 x 2?'"

"What's the f*cking difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH


Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"

RALPHY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful."

Little RALPHY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a bl*wjob."

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a p*ss!!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in
this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow
you to go."

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, ! "You're an eight, but if
you had bigger t*ts, you'd be a TEN!"

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of
hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence
twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought
my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little
Michael.
"My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on
little RALPHY.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f*cking beautiful!'"

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know
eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your
teeth, and make you fat."

Little RALPHY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little RALPHY answered, "No, he minded his own f*cking business."