have recently read a sociological study that examined the corleation between Individual Characteristics in Humans and their immediate circle of friends. Bearing that in mind I offer you some quotes.


"O'Brien, As you well know, I was the Senior Goth Hunter at my school. I am most famous for handing Craig Ring the single biggest hiding of his young life. The last I heard of him was from Luke Campbell who stated that in Sixth Form College during a work in the Community programme, Ring was offering to piss himself in his overalls for a can of coke."

Kieran Thomas Walker

"If there was a sport called Throwing and Catching, Im not saying Id be World Champion but I would compete at a very high level."

Michael Cavey.

" £3 quid for a pint and £2 quid for an Eccy? Do the math Johno. I think from an Economic perspective, we should all be on drugs."

Adam Robert Maynard

GK - Bobby Mimms

LB - Vladimir Kinder
RB - Gunnar Halle
CB - Mark Atkins
CB - Franck Dumas

LM - Nicky Papavasilou
RM - Glenn Helder
CM - Clarence Acuna
CM - Thomas Brolin

ST - Alan Cork
ST - Ian Marshall

SUBS:
Chris Kiwomya
Bryan Gunn
Garry Penrice
Adie Moses
Fumaca

Huge amounts of guilt-free, commitment-free sex is something to which most men and some women aspire to at some point in their lives. Never mind all that I love you, soul mate stuff, just get them down and let's get to it, pet.

And if you can establish yourself as such a pretty damn good exponent of the rumpy and the pumpy that ladies will make a bee-line to your trousers to experience it then you have the best of all worlds, right there.

I knew one such man while I was at college. Stevie's reputation for delivering orgasms to a whole bevy of student ladies was established within one term.

Quite what his secret was remained an elusive mystery. We thought he must have had some special move or perform some kind of sexual gymnastics that brought women to screaming heights of passion. Or maybe he was in possession of an Iggy Pop-style horse appendage. As far as we could ascertain from grilling the women who loved his attentions so much, all of these things were true.

While some girls were bitter and angry at him after he refused to be faithful or conduct a 'proper' relationship, in fairness to him he never ever said he would and regardless of these criticisms the word got around the girls that he was the man to go to for a underwear-dampening red hot action. This meant some girls avoided him like the plague but others flocked to him like wasps to a very jammy jar in the full knowledge that it was all purely a physical thing with him. He wasn't interested in anything except getting up their tubes.

And so in a space of three or four months he had got through dozens and dozens of women and as far as we knew, each of them left his room with a smile on their faces. He was king c*ck.

Needless to say, we were jealous. Really, really, really jealous because we were on very meagre rations while he gorged himself and because we were kids, we thought it would all go on for ever. We thought that ten or twenty years hence he'd still be banging his way through one glamouress lass after another and living the life of a porn star.

What we hadn't realised in our naivety was that after a few months of this lifestyle he was starting to really feel the pressure to perform. He was also attracting some seriously wacko skanky women who you suspected were damaged goods. Initially it had been girls who were away from home for the first time and enjoying the liberation that came with that but gradually they were replaced with harder and harder faced women who basically wanted a vibrator with a pulse.

So I'm sitting in the student union bar with him one evening and this lovely dark haired girl comes in. She's called Madeline and I know her because she's a friend of someone on my course. She waves at me and comes over. Now, I fancy the underwear right off this one but I'm already thinking I've no chance because Stevie's batting average is second to none and he's more than likely to get off with her.

And of course I was absolutely right and later that evening she went back to his room while I sat in the bar drinking Dryboroughs Keg Heavy and putting Sabbath on the jukebox as happened all too frequently for my liking at the time.

Next lunchtime Tony comes up to me while I'm eating a cheese savoury stottie sitting on the wall out side of the Newcastle City Hall and he's grinning from ear to ear.

"There is a god!" he declared happily.

"Eh?" I said helpfully." You're not coming over all Jesus Freak on me are you?"

"No man, its Stevie, he couldn't get it up last night. Went as soft as butter with that Madeline lass. Serves him right. He's probably worn his cock out. It's probably broken! "

He's laughing as he tells me.

"How do you know like? You haven't been peeping through windows again have you?"

But in fact it was her friend who was a mutual friend of us both who had spilled the beans about Stevie's lack of pencil lead.

Now you've got to remember that as naive kids at the fag end of the 70's be