Tom the big Gay Fairy

By Kaya and Joe

Once upon a time in a small quiet town on a rainy day, the earth began to shake, the ground began to quake, this was one step from Tom the big gay fairy awakening from his terrifying nightmare of Richard Warnock licking his plums.

He got up out of his bed and decided to have some breakfast, this consisted of 26 hash browns, 57 sausages, 12 pieces of fried bread, 26 grilled tomatoes, 16 rashers of bacon and 12 black puddings, this should start him off to a good day, or maybe to elevensies, and it was ten to.

He got out his chinese Sunhouse menu and ordered the contents of each and every resteraunt that they have scattered around the UK, whilst waiting for the delivery he went for a phat cruise to McDonalds, this here meal consosted of 216 happy meals, 577 big mac meals, 6715.5 chicken nuggets and a diet coke considering he was watching his weight this month, while he was there he thought why not go to the penhale round for a light snack, he ordered fifteen cows worth of steak with chips, onion rings,bacon, cheese, ham sandwhiches and everything else that was in the kitchen.

By now the time is quarter past eleven and after wolfing down his McDonalds Tom decided to go to Kaye's chemistfor some tea and crumpets, whilst chomping his way through butter soaked crumpets Tom remembered that only 5 minutes away was another McDonalds, he wheel spinned intothe car park and hand brake turned right infront of the door for easy access, he jumped into his electric wheelchair which he keeps ona bike rack on the roof, he didnt want to inflict any exercise on himself, there was no way he was going to lose his bingo wings or his seven chins, Tom liked to have seven napkins for his seven chins, it made him feel special because he is so unloved and Ronald McDonlad is his only friend.

See Tom is wierd like that, his only friend is a peadophile who loves children between the ages of 18 months 15 days 6 hours and 24 seconds divided by 10.65 add 6.5 multiplied by 12, thenthe wind resistance would equal to the barometer reaching 15 P.S.I this is 24 litres per minute and 16 square inches which is equivalent to 7.9 on the richter scale, the richter scale also reaches this measurement when Tom rolls down Bridge Hill at full pelt, and only getting up half of the other side, then rolling back up to the Coaching inn, this whole shabizzle is called Tom Pin Bowling.

We prefer to play throw the darts at Tom's grain area although theres not that much down there that could be damaged, this is due to the fact that he is an under developed German bastard.

The story of Tom's penis is a long one and if your ever unfortunate enough to meet him then ask to hear it, its spectacular.

Most people in St. Columb pity Tom McCormick but only a certain few know that he really is just a waste of space who needs to be given horse tranquilisers whenever he is around people, because no-one should have to go through the pain and suffering of his tragic tales of having threesums with sexy Warnock and his Victoria Beckham look alike girlfriend Kate.

Tom works at a place called Pall, he reckons he's a supervisor, but we know the truth, the reason why Tom is so disfigured and wierd is because he is used to have new medicines and vaccines tested on him, what a prick!!!!

After a days testing Tom staggers out of the door and curls up into a ball on the pavement outside, the rest of the employees detour around his fat smelly body kicking and spitting on him as they pass, tears begin to stream down his face, one hits his lip and he licks it and tastes the saltiness, this reminds Tom of chips, he jumps into his car and speeds off to McDonalds, he's gutted when he gets there because he can only order136 McChicken sandwhich meals becasue the McDonalds chain stores in Cornwall were all closing down becuase they couldn't keep up with Tom's high demands, selfish wanker!!

After having something to eatTom will drive back to

Started off as a usual monday at the coaching inn giving it a good old clean- for free i must add. Half a number 6 from the sunhouse to be a fatty then to Derek's.

Spot Anna and Clo so back to the coaching for a catching up session.

Then it begins, Claire De La Williams decides it would be funny to visit Acid Hippy Woman in our pyjama's , scarves and slippers, and me with a bright yellow headband (coz we're cool), so off goes Louise De La Carne to get her Subaru Impreza 106 broken exhaust cat, while Claire and I gather some peppers, tomatoes, leeks and baguettes for Claire to throw at Acid Hippy Woman.

So we set off on the mission to Newquay pissing ourselves laughing at how hot we look!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We get to our destination, St Columb Minor bus stop, and there she is covered by her waterproof blue sheet, sleeping peacefully in her central heated bus stop, Louise being the gangster that she is pulls up right beside her and Claire launches the tomato which then splats on the wall just abover where her head is covered. Time for round 2, so we turn the subaru around and Louise thinking she's American drives on the wrong side of the road to get closer to the UK's top model so the target is close enough to get her with the peppers. Third round and once again we pull up next to 'it' and everthing else is thrown including a happy meal toy. Feeling pretty rebellious we parked next to her and turned off the engine, by this time im nearly crying as this woman is one of my worst fears ever. Then the scary part, all of a sudden the waterproof cover is ripped off of her and out she pops in all her glory, the frizzy hair and john lennon glasses, a sight that would give anyone a nightmare. Louise speeds off and we hide by Treviglas School, to regain our usual heart rate. As we are so brave we attempt to approach her again, but she is one clever hippy woman and must have guessed our next move, she is stood waiting for us, she spots us and stares at the car, so we full beam her a couple times, then then she bends over to pick something up to throw at us, or so we thought. But with my genius mastermind skills i am quick to realise she is tightening her shoe laces and then picks up her speed towards us, not wanting to risk our lives we end it here and do one into town, we'll get her again though.

Incase you dont know or havent had the privalige of meeting acid hippy woman she lives at st columb minor bus stop and is scary as fook.