Just Change/delete as Appropriate.......

Dear:
A) Mum,
B) Dad,
C) love of my life,
D) Assistant Principal,
E) Your Honor,

Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your
A) car
B) house
C) pet
D) espresso maker
E) left arm

was severely damaged by my
A) infantile
B) puerile
C) inept
D) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
E) woefully under appreciated

prank. How could I have known that the
A) car
B) jet ski
C) large helium balloon
D) rodent driven sledge
E) Zamboni

I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your
A) house,
B) wife,
C) Cub Scout troop,
D) 1/16 sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with lightbulb in the torch,
E) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,

You must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to
A) imagine,
B) fathom,
C) comprehend,
D) appreciate,
E) pay for,

And I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to
A) hate me,
B) sue me,
C) spank me,
D) take my firstborn,
E) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond,

but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joshing around at
A) school,
B) work,
C) church,
D) the bowling alley,
E) the municipal jail,

and to remember that I am first and foremost your
A) friend.
B) child.
C) sibling.
D) lease cosigner.
E) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.

I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that
A) was so stupid.
B) was so silly.
C) would have been funny if it worked.
D) you would have done, if you had thought of it first.
E) I'm going to use again on someone else.

Sincerely, [Enter name or alias here:] ________________________

Many many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who
was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!