1 There are two hands that can beat a royal flush. Jack Bauer's right hand and Jack Bauer's left hand.
2 The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
3 Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes.
4 Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon.
5 When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
6 Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
7 When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Jack Bauer.
8 There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. The first two are Jack Bauer, and the third one is heart attack from hearing Jack Bauer is coming for them.
9 On Jack Bauer's Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependents.
10 Professor Charles Xavier from X-Men once tried to read Jack Bauer's mind. Now he's sitting in a wheel chair.
11 Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.
12 Withholding information from Jack Bauer is now classified as a suicide attempt.
13 Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."
14 If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
15 Jack Bauer definitely loves his daughter; he wouldn't let anyone else who made that many stupid decisions live.
16 If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
17 When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught 3 bullets in his chest and used them to reload.
18 Chained to a chair, tortured, and with the threat of death hanging over him, Jack just wanted something to eat.
19 Jack Bauer does not get taken prisoner. He puts himself in a disadvantageous position so as to make his next several killings more dramatic.
20 Jack Bauer is the only human in the world with the ability to make Chloe O'Brien drop the personality disorder and patch him through.
21 Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
22 The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.
23 Jack Bauer doesn't laugh in the face of danger; Jack Bauer is the face of danger.
24 Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
25 There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.
26 Jack Bauer doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry.
27 Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
28 The "Smoothie" was invented when Jack Bauer needed information from a banana.
29 If Jack Bauer was president, he would protect the secret service.
30 Jack Bauer signs his autograph with bullets. So don't ask him to sign any part of your body.
31 Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
32 If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's fucking beef.
33 Jack Bauer quit for just five minutes, and a nuclear bomb went off.
34 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
35 Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
36 Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
37 After Season 6 of 24, the Chinese will be on the

Remember there is no apparent end to her stupidity so I'll try to update this as often as I can. I have not altered these at all, they are direct quotes.


1. her: are we british?
me: *slams head off desk*
her: I'll take that as a no.

2. *while filling out a servey*
her: I don't have an illness or disease do I?

3. her:I'm sleeping on the floor
me: like an animal?
her: yes, like an animal!

4. is a hernia when you break your stomach bone?

5. me: remember when you used to eat raw mushrooms?
her: They're nice!!

6. her: I hate the smell of water.

7. her: feel my armpit! its sweating!

8. her: WOW! i just got a taste of enchiladas in my mouth! (she hasn't eaten them in ages)

9. her: (talking about Hitler) "Is he the guy who was hiding under the grass?" (she means Saddam Hussein when he hid in an underground cave)

10. we were in HMV and i was going to buy the dvd 'Munich'
her: "are you going to get that munch?"
me: "excuse me?"
she senses danger...
her: trying to redeem herself, " I mean....muneech" ("mun" as in money, and "ch" as in ach)
me: I have a stroke.

11. Her: "which one is the washing machine?"

12. she went for a cycle in the castle grounds:
Her: "I thought we ended up in lochs or somewhere! i saw a 40 mph sign
and i was like 40 miles?!?!"

13. During her 2nd year tech exam one of the questions was:

Q. What is an alloy?
A. It's a wheel on a car.

14. her: "are phone boxes open on a sunday?"

15. She was recently given a short story to write for english
apparently the teacher says her spelling is "horrocious", so
so she plans to improve her horrocious spelling for this
story.

16. There was an advert on TV and a thing came up saying I <heart> uranus. so the conversation goes like this:
Her: "awww i only just got that!"
My mum: "have you never heard a uranus joke before?"
Her: "well i have, but i never really got it before"
*pause*
Her: "how do americans get that joke if anus is gaelic?"