"I dont advise a haircut man. All hairdressers are in the employment of the government. Hair are your aerials, they pick up signals from the cosmos and transmit them directly into the brain. This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight."
- Whitnail & I

"Smokey, this is not 'Nam. This is bowling. There are rules."
- Walter Sobchak, "The Big Lebowski"

"And, you know, he's got emotional problems, man."
"You mean... beyond pacifism?"
- The Dude and Walter Sobchak, "The Big Lebowski"

"Nihilists! Fuck me. I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos."
- Walter Sobchak, "The Big Lebowski"

"Are these the Nazis, Walter?"
"No, Donny, these men are nihilists. There's nothing to be afraid of."
- Donnie & Walter Sobchak, "The Big Lebowski"

"Jackie Treehorn treats objects like women, man."
- The Dude, "The Big Lebowski"

"She's not my special lady friend, man. I'm just helping her conceive."
- The Dude, "The Big Lebowski"

"I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland."
- Manhattan Murder Mystery

"Neighbors? In twelve years in Los Angeles, have you ever seen a neighbor?"
- "Death Becomes Her"

"I remind you: everything you say will be held against you."
"Well, in that case: Marlene Dietrich!"
- Crazy House (1943)

"Shut up! I am the author. You are the audience. I outrank you!"
- Franz Liebkind, author of "Springtime for Hitler", The Producers.

"Shut up! I'm having a rhetorical conversation."
- Max Bialystock, producer of "Springtime for Hitler", The Producers.

"I'm condemned by a society that demands success when all I can offer is failure!"
- Max Bialystock, "The Producers"

"If I'm not back in five minutes, wait longer."
- Ace Ventura

"And stop referring to dinner as "The recent unpleasantness"
- The Lockhorns

"So what do you do for a living?"
"I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants.
- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"

The clue obviously lies in the word "cheddar." Let's see now. Seven letters. Rearranged, they come to, let me see: "Rachedd." "Dechdar." "Drechad." "Chaderd" - hello, chaderd! Unless I'm very much mistaken, chaderd is the Egyptian word meaning "to eat fat." Now we're getting somewhere!
- Sigerson Holmes, "The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes' Smarter Brother"

"No, no! I will not take your filthy stolen money!"
"Well, then. It looks like you're really up shit creek. <SMACK> Ow!"
"I beg your pardon. What did you say?"
"I offered to help you. You refused our money. So, I said, "I guess you're really up shit creek" <SMACK> Ow!"
- The Blues Brother meet Mother Superior

"Quid Pro Quo."
"What does that mean?"
"It means I'm pretentious."
- Loaded Weapon

"Mind if I drive?"
"Not if you don't mind me clawing at the dash and shrieking like a cheerleader."
- Sam and Max

"What's wrong Abby?"
"Nothing a rooftop and an AK47 cant solve."
- Abby, "The Truth About Cats And Dogs"

"Celine, I thought we'd agreed, no cliches."
- A Life Less Ordinary

"You know, Scotland has its own martial arts. Yeah, it's called Fuck You. It's mostly just head butting and then kicking people when they're on the ground."
- Charlie Mackenzie, "So I Married An Axe Murderer"

"Do you actually like haggis?"
"No, I think it's repellent in every way. In fact, I think most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. "
- Harriet & Charlie, "So I Married An Axe Murderer"

"Your battles are hundreds of years behind you. All your heroes are statues."
- Jon, in 'dead' Scotland, "Gregory's Two Girls"

Archie [ threateningly ] : I used to box for Oxford.
Otto [ more so ] : I used to kill for t