Q: What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?
A: You may have graduated but I've got many degrees

Q. What did one electron say to the other electron?
A. Don't get excited. You'll only get into a state!

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

Q: What's a cation afraid of?
A: A dogion

Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
A: They're cheaper than day rates

A man walks into a pub, and asks for a pint of Adenosinetriphosphate.
The barman says "Well that's 80p (ATP) please"

Man: I wish I was the enzyme dna helicase.
Woman : Why?
Man: So I could unzip your genes..

Q: What do chemists use to make guacomole?
A: Avogadros.

Q: What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry faculties?
A: Methylated Spirits....

Q: Why does a white bear melt in water?
A: Because it's polar.


Q: Why does a burger have lower energy than steak?
A: Because it's in the ground state.

Two atoms were walking down the street. One turns to the other and says,
"Oh, no! I think I'm an ion!"
The other responds, "Are you sure?!?"
"Yes, I'm positive!"

A small furry mammal walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender
says, "Sorry, our occupancy is only 6.02*10^20." We can't serve a mole."


Q: Which biochemicals wash up on beaches?
A: Nucleotides.

Q: How do you tell the sex of chromosome?
A: Pull down its genes

Q: What did the Smooth Endoplasmic Reticulum say to the Rough Endoplasmic Reticulum?
A: Is that Ribosome all over you or are you happy to see me?

Q: What do you call a nun who's had a sex change?
A: A Trans-sister

Q: Does light have mass?
A: Of course not. It's not even Catholic!!!

(Oh they get worse! )

Replying to an invitation to a scientists' party

-Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
If you don't ever get out, they figured, you've just got a
half-life.

-Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.

-Volta was electrified.

-Ampere was worried he wasn't up to current research.
-Ohm resisted the idea at first.
(But they got rowdy, and they were charged with battery.)

-Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

-Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience.

-Morse replied: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now - must dash."

-Heisenberg was uncertain if he could make it.

-Hertz said in the future he planned to attend with greater frequency.

-Hawking said he'd try to string enough time together to make a space in his
schedule.

-Darwin said he'd have to see what evolved.

-Newton was moved to attend.

-Watson had to determine precisely what jeans he would wear.

-Avogadro said he would like to bring a number of friends.

-Coulomb got a big charge out of the invitation.

-Pythagoras said the guests were all too square for him.

-Newton gravitated towards such occasions.

-Milliken replied: "Oil drop by some time."

-Kelvin couldn't make it because of a cold.

-Naturally, Darwin said, he would select that engagement.

-Watson and Crick thought it would be a nice chance to unwind.

-Krebs said he'd cycle over.

-Pascal said that the party filled the vacuum in his life that weekend.





....I know,you feel dirty now

"beee-eeeah!"
"knoifey spooney?!"
"chazwazza!!"
"mr proiminister!!!ANDY!!"
"oh that simpsons epsiode?yeah i love that,you're sooo original!"
"detee deta potatoe"
"top o the mornin to ya!"
"agus ansiiiin"
"wanna go back to my house 'n ride?"
"SHOTGUN!!"
"he found...no wait,comondeered a crate of fosters and a naggin"
"you know what caffeine does to ya?!!gives ya aids!!no wait, SUPER AIDS!"
"maggot"
"chunder"
"choice"
"but"
"irish ____ is shit" "this is shit"
"anyone seen my bananies?!"

"rooooom for one more!"
"ah the entertainment tent,phily and the entertainments!!"
"why would this be the TOILET??!"


"just eat the damn orange!"
"go banana!"
"this tent can BUM!"
"skip,i found your thong under the tent!!"

"conors a legend,he didnt bring a change of clothes,a jacket, a jumper or a sleeping bag" ...later that day when conor smells and has two peoples sleeping bags
"conor's no longer a legend"

"my spongebob teeshirt didnt absorb the water as much as i thought it should...!"
"are they long shorts or short longs?!"
"figroll?"

"liiiike!"
"i am soooo drunk..." (even more annoying!!)

"you know what this place needs?a subway,lets write to them!"
"ailbag"
"poke"
"we LOVE you trudy!!"
"filthy bitch!"

"xavier rudd" - enough said!
"play july!"
"ninety nine red balloons!!"
"save the plums for sandi!"

"if we find out who stole our pirate flag we're gonna give them the glaring of a lifetime!!"
"in the maevey!!!!"
"where's chrissy's menthol lipsalve gone...and maeve and phily??!ooooooh!!"
"SPLAMP!!"

"Let's fill condoms with coffee and throw them at her(Sandi Thom)then she'll get AIDS!!!"
"Where are you from?..MAY-O MAAAA-YO!!"
"I just lost my virginity!!"
"This is like the drunkest I've ever been!" (girl outside at 6am!)
"get it into ya..GET IT INTO YA!!!!!"-(Guy cheering while his drunk friend on all fours stuffs grass into his mouth )
"Are you looking for Dublin?I think they're in here"

So this is why I hate reading History books for this stupid research project!Here's one of the first lines in the introduction of "The Guardian Book of the Spanish Civil War" talking about the advantages of the historian;

"He can assemble all of the available facts relevant to any particular past event,analyse each in turn,assemble his accumulated knowledge into a comprehensive and logically sequential pattern,and present a rationally sound appraisal of all of the elements which have contributed both directly and indirectly to a social phenomenon considered by him or by others to be worthy of special attention."

That's 63 words!for ONE SENTENCE!!
and it's the second line of the book....needless to say I still haven't actually gotten around to reading past there..