YO MOMMA JOKES
Yo mama so bald even a wig wouldn't help!

Yo mama so bald you can see whats on her mind

Yo mama so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed.


Yo mama is so dirty
Yo mama so dirty she has to creep up on bathwater.

Yo mama so dirty she makes mud look clean.

Yo mama so dirty that she was banned from a sewage facility because of sanitation worries!

Yo mama so dirty that you can't tell where the dirt stops and she begins.
Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."

Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.

Yo mama so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."

Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.

Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower

Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.

Yo mama so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck

Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.

Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras

Yo mama so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her

Yo mama so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

Yo mama teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!
Yo mama so old I told her to act her own age, and she died.

Yo mama so old her social security number is 1!

Yo mama so old that when she was in school there was no history class.

Yo mama so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.

Yo mama so old her birth certificate says expired on it.

Yo mama so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.

Yo mama so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.

Yo mama so old she ran track with dinosaurs.

Yo mama teeth are so yellow she spits butter

Yo mama house so small that when she orders a large pizza she had to go outside to eat it.

Yo mama nose so big she makes Pinochio look like a cat!


Yo momma sure is ugly. She looks like
she fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch
on the way down.

Yo mama is so fat, she eats her cereal out of a satellite dish.

1. "Sure, there have been deaths in boxing, but none of them serious." (Alan Minter)

2. "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing ! "(Pat Glenn - weightlifting commentator)

3. "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him." (New Zealand rugby commentator Murray Mexted)

4. "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother." (Ted Walsh - horse racing commentator)

5. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Winston Bennett)

6. "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it, which is identical."(Murray Walker - F1 racing commentator)

7. "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my father and mother."(Greg Norman)

8. "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." (Terry Venables - Soccer Coach)

9. "I would not say that David Ginola is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better." (Ron Atkinson - soccer coach)

10. "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge
president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977)

11. "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field" (Metro Radio)

12. "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seems to hang in the air for even longer." (David Acfield)

13. "What will you do when you leave football, Jack. Will you stay in football?" (Stuart Hall Radio 5 live)

14. "And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class." (David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics)

15. "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them....Oh My God! What have I just said?!!!" (US PGA Commentator)

16. True story... a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked...
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
... Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew
did too as they were laughing so hard!

Subject: Breaking News

Latest news reports advise that a cell of four terrorists has been operating in the West Tallaght area of Dublin.

Gardaí advised earlier today that three of the four have already been detained. The District Garda Commissioner stated that the terrorists: Bin Sleepin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Fightin have all been arrested on immigration issues.

The police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member : Bin Workin, in the area. Gardaí are however, confident that anyone who looks like Workin will be extremely easy to spot in the community.

The Good Dublin Samaritan

This bloke is in our pub in Temple Bar, really drunk. Some lads decide to be good Samaritans and get him home. So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down four more times. They ring the bell, and the bloke's wife looks livid. One of them says: "Here's your husband, Missus! Safe and sound." And the wife says: "Yeah right. Now where the hell is his wheelchair?"

The state of Ballymun

Mick from Ballymun was unemployed last summer and was fierce upset with the tragic events that unfolded on September 11th. Unable to donate money to the charities that sprang up, but nonetheless wanting to help in some small way, he read on P45.net's website about a really cheap flight and managed to extricate himself over to New York and turn up at "Ground Zero". He asked if he could help in any way, so the chief told him to "sign in", grab a pick and a shovel from anywhere and help one of the digging teams. One month later, word spread around the site that George Bush had arrived and he wanted to meet the volunteers. So they all lined up to meet the President. So Bush shook the first man's hand, asked him his name and where he was from. "I'm Carl from Cleveland, Mr President," said the first lad. "Well Carl, it's so darn good to have you here and I want you to let everyone in Ohio know just how grateful we are that you men and women from Ohio have come to help New York in its time of need. Thank you and well done." He went to the next bloke. "I'm Chuck and I'm from Orlando, Mr President." "Good to meet you too, Chuck, thanks for your help, and again, I'd like you to thank all the guys and girls from Florida who have come to help here at Ground Zero." Finally he came to Mick. "Howrya. I'm Mick and I'm from Ballymun." A little confused, Bush said: "Good to meet you Mick, what state is Ballymun in?" "Jaysus, much the same as round here."


Dublin Drinking Guide


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SYMPTOM: Pint appears to be crystal clear...
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him/her.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognise anyone, don't even recognise the room you're in.
FAULT: Don't panic - you've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they've any free pints anyhow.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest pet dog, complain about how house training has "gone to the dogs nowadays".

SYMPTOM: Pint appears unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to get you another pint.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You've fallen over backwards.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar counter.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains fag-ends.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tastes tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong pa