Peter: Ok, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. A homicidal murderer tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill?
Brian: That's not a riddle. That's ... that's just terrible.
Peter: Wrong, the ugly one!

Chris: Dad, what's the blow-hole for?
Peter: I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.

Peter: I'd like to propose a toast to our neighbors. Sure they might be black, handicapped, and a heartless sex hound, but hey, if they moved out some smelly Hawaiians might move in.

Peter: Just don't forget our deal, Lois. I sit through this and later tonight I get anal. You hear me? No matter how neat I want the house you have to clean it.

Peter: You know those Germans; if you don't join the party, they come get you.

Peter: [writing letter] Dear MacGuyver, Enclosed is a rubber band, a paper clip, and a drinking straw. Please save my dog.


Peter: Lois, you've got a sick mind!
Lois: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter: Oh, I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.

Brian: Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?
Peter: Um, if by "read" you mean imagined a naked lady, then, yes.

Peter: I'm gonna go microwave a bagel and have sex with it.
Quagmire: Butter's in the fridge!

Peter: Lois may be worth a million bucks to you, but to me she's worthless

Peter: Hey, what are you doing here?
Superman: I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet so I ripped her in half like a phonebook.

Lois: Together we can do anything: face any foe, overcome any obstacle.
Peter: Yeah, climb any mountain, rent any video, dial any phone. And not just our phone, Lois, other people's phones. Decent phones, God-fearing phones, phones that everybody else gave up on, but we knew better because we were a team!

[Riding a circus elephant]
Peter Griffin: Look Lois, the two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a fat white guy who is threatened by change

Peter Griffin: The deep south? Isn't that the place where the black guys are really lazy and all the white guys are just as lazy but they're mad at the black guys for being so lazy?

[about Joe]
Peter Griffin: Holy crip, he's a crapple.

Peter: We love the Bible in this house.
Francis Griffin: Really. What's your favorite book of the Bible?
Peter: Uhhhhh... the book where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece and the man in the yellow hat has to take him to the hospital.

Peter: Man, some trip this turned out to be. All we caught is a tire, a boot, a tin can and this book of clichés.

Peter: Just like the bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2, I've got diplomatic immunity, so Hammer, you can't sue.

Peter Griffin: What's wrong, Stewie, don't you wanna pee in the toilet bowl like a big boy? Boy I remember when I learned to use a potty all by myself. I was so proud.
[Flashbacks to one year ago]
Peter: [Zips up pants] Hey Lois, I did it.

Brian: Seriously, who buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
Peter Griffin: I'll tell you who: someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his entire family into serious danger, that's who.

Lois Griffin: Peter, what did you promise me last night?
Peter Griffin: That I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
Lois Griffin: And what did you do?
Peter Griffin: Drank at the stag pa -... Whoa! I almost walked right into that one.

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