yesterday i finished a wonderful book i'd been readin called Bad Behaviour- your typical; things are shit but everything turns out alright in the end for everyone concerned, relationships are repaired etc etc.

it madde me feel incrediably lovey dovey and i went into a huge spiral of my life is so wonderful and what would i do without so&so and so&so blah blah.

Today i started a new book called Where Rainbows End- your typical; everything goes wrong when you think that verything is okay and it's just one huge shit cycle that never seems to be resolved. i haven't finished it yet, but i had to stop reading because i came to the realisation that i'd been reading it for 6 hours, it's 1.30 in the morning, and i have to pack in a couple of hours

AND this god damn book that i have been engrossed in has just confirmed my theory on life 100%.

everything will be fine and dandy and then someone hurts you or someone gets hurt, or something gets broken. then it's all fixed and everything and everyone is well and the cycle goes on.

Why, WHY, does everything i read have such a huge impact on me?

evry single thing i do has a rebound effect on my life and i find myself contemplating what the hell it is i am doing with it.

I'll tell you what; i have lost all sense of power.
people used to be afraid of me, i sued to be independant... and i absolutely loved it.
i thrived from it.
and now i am some whiney little sap that relies on everybody else and has the motivation of a sloth.

and to be honest with you, when i sat down at this computer i had no idea what i was going to write, and have only just realised as i am typing how i really feel.

i'm spiriling once again into a state of self pity and am determined to get out of it before it completely takes hold of me.

i have a goal now- one that will take a long time to reach and one which will be incrediably chalenging and drive me to my limits; i am going to be a nurse.

it's taken me 17 long years to realise it but i am worht something.

i've lost contac with a good group of freinds, some have let me down. and i'm sure i've let them down too.

i'm an incrediably self absorbed person but that will soon change.
i have a wonderful fiance, and friends that will most deiffinately last the distance.
i am not getting caught up in petty fights and self made judgements that are entirely wrong.

i have lost my sense of what and who i am.

i have yet to realise my potential, i know i am smart put i have lost grips with my education and my spelling in particular is atrocious.

i am in love, i have lot of close and very decent friends.
i have issues and i have flaws.

but none of this will dominate my life anymore.

i am getting the power back. i no longer need the fear... the fear is something i'm leaving behind... all fear.

i'm finally going to realise who i am, and what i can acheive. without having to rely on others.


i'm not expecting anyone to read this. but if you do, you are incrediably dedicated.
i took me a whole of 10 mins to write this but i'm sure it took you a lot longer to read it.





i am done.