Men are like chocolate. You find them in bars, they head straight for your thighs, and they never last long enough to satisfy you!!

My life consists of getting ridiculously drunk pretty much ALL the time. I don't do anything else. I have no hobbies. I don't watch films, because I don't understand them. I dont watch football because I don't understand it. But I do support Manchester United because I'm an arse licker and I like to support the best. I'm doing a Business Economics degree. But I don't do it becasue I don't understand it. Ever since I can remember I've been an alcoholic. Ever since Marv (for those who dont know...Marv is the incredibly thick burgler on home alone, who likes to leave the taps on. He is also my dad) used to dip my dummy in his pints of bitter when I was under the age of one. From that point onwards I guess I had no hope. I used to go out at the weekend, consume a bottle of wine each night and then dance until I fell asleep in the toilets. Then I came to uni. I thought things had got as bad as they could get. I drank pretty much every night and wasted away in places blasting ridiculously loud music down my eardrums. I slept all the time and then went out again. Then I went to Tenerife for Gay Lord Law's birthday. Things got even worse here. I drank, I danced, but I didn't sleep. Instead I'd come in and get ready for the next night out. I was accompanied by the hardcores. Gay Lord himself, and JessiCORE Wilkinson. Suth and Rofie also joined us on numerous occasions. Sophie even managed to beat my reputation of falling asleep in nightclubs, she didnt even need to sit down on a toilet, she just stood and fell asleep. Now I've bought a house in Headingly. Well I haven't technically bought it. But i dont know which word to use to describe the fact that I'm going to be living in this house and paying money to live there. But I am not the landlord. If anyone can think of the word please let me know. Anyway back to Headingly. This place has more pubs than anyone could begin to imagine. Since we 'got' the house I think I've spent more time in the Skyrack than anywhere else. The Skyrack consists of a bar which sells my favorite thing in the whole wide world. ALCOHOL. You can literally drink anything. Although my personal favorite is larger and lime (with a lot of lager). How do u spell larger/lager? The Skyrack is also handy because it's full of wasters like me. And wasters tend to drop money. And I tend to find it. Which aids my drinking habit without me having to walk round a supermarket putting things back on the shelves that people decide to buy but then change their minds because they're CHEAPSKATES and then don't put back. That is my job. My job description is a 'cashier' but I'm NEVER allowed on a till. It must because my supervisors like looking at my arse. And you can't get a proper look at an arse while its sat on a chair can you now? I don't have any food in my freezer. Or my fridge for that matter. Infact I hardly eat anymore. But I'm still a FAT BUTCH BITCH because la(r)ger has more calories in it than a five course meal. It does when you drink as much of it as I do anyway. In the past week my drinking habits have taken a turn for the worse. I know you might think this is impossible, given the circumstances that I'm already in. But now, instead of revising and getting the degree I'm paying about ten grand for. I go and sit in a bar and drink. Yes even before midday. Especially since the weather is so nice. It just seems like a waste not to. I don't even sleep anymore. I woke up before 8 am this morning. And I hadn't got to bed until after 5am last night. Thats why I'm sat on bebo like a SAD BITCH after a night which consisted of more alcohol than I care to imagine. I'm sat here waiting for my friend to arrive in Leeds so we can go and sit by the river and drink. In summary I think I have a problem. But thats fine by me becasue I'm happy. And happy is the way to be.

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