Take this test to see whether you are indeed Liverpool and England lump Emile Heskey or infact a half-decent player who actually produces the goods that your position requires...

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1. You are through on goal with only the keeper and a defender left to
beat. The last defender is only 5'3" and seven stone. What happens next?

a) You round him easily and take the keeper on one-to-one, then calmly
chip the ball over his head into the empty net.
b) Take the defender on for speed and skin him, then round the keeper
and walk the ball confidently into the goal.
c) The defender accidentally blows on you as he gets within three
yards...and you fall over, flat on your great big fat hairy ar5e. Then
it's both arms up and face pulled in the hope that the referee will give you the most unlikely penalty ever awarded.

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2. Would you describe yourself as a prolific goalscorer?

a) Yes.
b) No, but you have scored more than your fair share in your career.
c) Would you f*ck. If you're a prolific goalscorer then Mandy Smith's a beached whale.

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3. You are walking down the street one day when a bird sh1ts on you
from overhead. How do you react to this?

a) Smile and see the funny side of it.
b) Wipe it off gingerly and look to the skies in disgust.
c) Fall over on the spot as though you've just been snipered through the head with a hunting rifle. Then roll over and demand that the bird be sent off.

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4. How quickly can you run the 100 metres?

a) Very quickly, with a best time of 10.3 seconds.
b) Quite fast, though you can only manage it in just over 11 seconds.
c) "Run"? What the f*ck is that? You mean waddle along like a big fat sack of sh1t on a skateboard....?

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5. During a match, a high ball is crossed to you in the penalty area.
How do you head the ball?

a) With extreme power and accuracy.
b) Quite powerfully and with some degree of accuracy, though heading has never been your strongest point.
c) With your ar5e...because you've been upended again by some three-foot dwarf defender from West Brom.

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6. A long ball is played up to you from defence. It's a fair distance
ahead of you, so what do you do?

a) Get your head down and set off at full pace, reaching it just before it goes out of play for a goal-kick.
b) Try to make it to the ball, because the cause is never lost. It's always worth making the effort.
c) Nothing. Just stand there like a great big fat soft-ar5ed tw*t.

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7. During a match you are involved in a bruising challenge with a
smaller player from the opposition. Which of these is the most likely
outcome?

a) The player bounces off your huge frame and knocks himself out, has to leave the field and is out through injury for several weeks.
b) The opposing player is slightly shaken, though not badly hurt, and from then on he makes sure he doesn't do it again.
c) You are incongruously bounced fifty feet in the air and land in Row Z, where you suffer a broken face, three dislocated teeth, etc.

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8. Your nickname at your former club was "Bruno". Why was this?

a) Because Bruno is such a macho sounding name and goes with your
hulking appearance.
b) Because your aggressive approach reminds you of the old St Bernard
dog off the St Bruno adverts - big, strong, relentless and tough as old
boots.
c) Because of the boxer, Frank Bruno, and the fact tha

Manchester United's march towards the 2003/04 Premiership title continued today with a stunning display at White Hart Lane. The Super Reds went ahead just before the kick-off when Giggs was sent away down the left wing.

His cross was handled on the half way line by a Spurs defender and a penalty was awarded for this cynical foul. Ruud Van Nistlerooy stepped up to slot the ball home for United's 33rd penalty of the season. It was no more than United deserved.

The 15th minute saw the Super-Smashing Reds go two up after Jamie Redknapp was penalised for coughing just outside the area. David Beckham's resultant free kick was slightly miss-hit, but even if the keeper was not being pinned to the floor by Roy Keane, he would not have saved it. 2-0. It was no more than United deserved.

The 21st minute saw more trouble for Spurs when Mariccio Tarrico was sent-off for enquiring about the referee's Man United shirt. However two minutes after the interval Spurs struck back after an amazing piece of good fortune. The referee's assistant could only parry Simon Davies' shot and Robbie Keane thumped the ball home. Confusion reigned for 10 minutes as the entire Manchester United squad surrounded the referee, arguing that the referee's assistant had been fouled 15 minutes earlier. The referee grudgingly had to give the goal even though he racked his brain for a reason to disallow it.

Alex Ferguson was furious and rushed down from his seat in the stand to the dugout, knocking over a number of blind, disabled, pensioners in wheel-chairs on the way down. Fortunately, things settled down again as Paul Scholes took a long-range shot, which deflected off the corner flag but had clearly crossed the line, 3-1. It was no more than United deserved.

Just after the restart, un-sportsmanlike Dean Richards was dismissed for making ridiculous claims for a penalty after Roy Keane had nearly decapitated Robbie Keane. The referee and his assistant missed the incident as they were both asking David Beckham for his autograph, but replays showed that Keane's flying kung-fu kick, followed by a forearm smash was clearly unintentional.

Ten minutes later Ferguson took off Beckham and replaced him with Nicky Butt, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, and Diego Forlan. Wonderful, wonderful Man United's 4th came shortly after. Robbie Keane was caught offside just outside the Spurs penalty area and Beckham's free-kick thundered in after deflecting off the underside of the flood lights. It was no more than United deserved.

The super, marvel, wonder Reds kept the pressure on until the bitter end. In the 98th minute Ledley King conceded a free kick just outside his own area for blatantly glancing at the referee. Giggs stepped up and proceeded to chip the ball right into the referee's path and he made no mistake from 10 yards. Goal number 5 and it was no more than United deserved.

Van Nistlerooy slotted home number 6 from the penalty spot after Freund went down with a broken leg. Fortunately Roy Keane was nearby when it happened and, after running 50 yards, he was able to bring the incident to the referee's attention. Unfazed by Freund's cynical tactics, protruding bone and spraying blood, the referee sent him off for diving (and time wasting) and awarded United the penalty. Van Nistlerooy cheekily chipped the ball over the keeper and the crossbar, but the referee decided that it was a goal, because based on past records, Van Nistlerooy rarely missed.

When the final whistle went after 33 minutes of injury time, Spurs traipsed off with their heads low, having been taught a footballing lesson by what is by far the greatest team the World has ever seen. As the losers hit the showers, a superb flowing movement by United culminated with a fine diving header by Alex Ferguson
and it was 7-1. However the referee decided that it was such a good goal, it should count double.

8-1 then - and it was no more than United deserved.

Stewie Griffin: Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois Griffin: WHAT!?
Stewie Griffin: Hi. [runs off giggling]

Horace: Hey, Peter, Lois called to remind you to pick up Meg at the roller rink.
Joe Swanson: No!
Glenn Quagmire: Oh, we're just getting started!
Cleveland Brown: Oh, Meg is my least favorite of all your children.
Peter Griffin: It's alright. We'll just move the party to the skating rink. Who's sober enough to drive? [nobody answers] Uh, OK, who's drunk, but that special kind of drunk where you're a better driver because you know you're drunk? You know, the kind of drunk where you probably shouldn't drive, but you do anyway because, I mean, come on, you got to get your car home. Right? I mean, I mean, what do they expect me to do, take a bus? Is-is that what they want? For me to take a bus? Well, screw that! You take a bus.
Cleveland Brown: I'm that kind of drunk.
Peter Griffin: [throws Cleveland the car keys] Shotgun!

[Chris falls into a basement to see Adam West playing poker with some dogs]
Chris Griffin: Mayor West?
Mayor Adam West: Quiet, young man, can't you see we're having a poker game? Now, I'll ask again. If I order a pizza, will anyone else have some?
Mark: I might have a slice.
Mayor Adam West: Well, you know, I'm going to need more of a commitment than that, Mark.

Stewie Griffin: Now, why in the world would you be embarrassed about dating her?
Jillian: Oh, my God, Brian, I was watching something on TV about this guy named Hitler-- [gasps] somebody should stop him!
Stewie Griffin: [pause] Is she retarded?

Tom Tucker: In local news, a sexy new trend has emerged at James Woods High.
Diane Simmons: That's right, Tom. It appears that students have taken to having ear sex in lieu of traditional intercourse.
Tom Tucker: Over 200 reports of ear sex have been confirmed so far, prompting a new slogan: "Once you go black, you go deaf".

Peter Griffin: How much for the gloves?
Brian Griffin: Peter, those are yours.
Peter Griffin: Ten bucks! Two! Seven! Four! Five-fifty! Ten! Sold! Sucker. I would have gone to fifteen easy. I am so stupid.

Stewie Griffin: Why have you brought me to the toy store, Brian?
Brian Griffin: I'm buying you another Rupert. [grabs a toy gorilla] Hey, this one's cute, huh? [reads tag] And if we buy it, they save a real gorilla in the wild...and if we don't, they kill one. Wow, these guys are playing hardball.

Stewie Griffin: Come on, discipline me! Make me wear panties, rub dirt in my eye, violate me with a wine bottle-- my God, I really do have problems, don't I?

Lois Griffin: I'm gonna become a model!
Peter Griffin: Hey, that's fantastic Lois, and I'll pleasure myself to your photos.
Chris Griffin: Me too!
Meg Griffin: Me too!
Peter Griffin: Oh, oh God, Meg, that's sick! That's your mother!
Meg Griffin: I'm just trying to fit in.
Peter Griffin: Get out! Get out of this house! [punches a hole in the wall] I said NOW!