Lloyd: The first time I set eyes on Mary Swanson, I just got that old fashioned romantic feeling where I'd do anything to bone her.
Harry: That's a special feeling, Lloyd.

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[after Lloyd trades the van in for a moped]
Harry: Just when I thought you couldn't get any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself!

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Harry: So you got fired again, eh?
Lloyd: Oh yeah. They always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident, ya' know?
Harry: Yeah, well, I lost my job too.
Lloyd: Man, you are one pathetic loser. No offense.
Harry: No, none taken. You know what really chaps my ass though? I spent my life savings turning my van into a dog. The alarm alone cost me two hundred.
Lloyd: Hey, chicks love it. Its the shaggin' wagon.

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Harry: Check out the funbags on that hosehound.
Lloyd: I'd like to eat her liver with some fava beans and a bottle of Chianti.

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Harry: I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.
Lloyd: I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver's full of shit, man.

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Lloyd: If I know Mary as well as I think I do, she'll invite us right in for tea and strumpets.

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Harry: Hi, Lloyd!
Lloyd: Hi, Harry!
Harry: How was your day?
Lloyd: Not bad. Fell off a jet way again.

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Harry: I can't believe we drove around all day, and there's not a single job in this town. There is nothing, nada, zip!
Lloyd: Yeah! Unless you wanna work forty hours a week.

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Harry: Skis, huh?
Beth: That's right!
Harry: Great! They yours?
Beth: Uh-huh.
Harry: Both of 'em?
Beth: Yes.
Harry: Ah... cool!

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Lloyd: We got no food, no jobs... our PET'S HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!"

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Harry: Yeah, well, I don't know. These places just don't do it for me.
Lloyd: What's the matter, Har? Some little filly break your heart?
Harry: No, it was a girl.

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Lloyd: Mary... I desperately wanna make love to a school boy.
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Lloyd: That's a lovely accent you have. New Jersey?
Lady at bus stop: Austria.
Lloyd: Austria! Well, then. G'day mate! Let's put another shrimp on the barbie!
Lady at bus stop: Let's not.

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Lloyd: This isn't my real job, you know.
Mary: No?
Lloyd: Nope. My friend Harry and I are saving up money for a pet store.
Mary: That's nice.
Lloyd: I got worms!
Mary: I beg your pardon?
Lloyd: That's what we're gonna call it. I got worms! We're gonna specialize in selling worm farms. You know, like ant farms.

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Lloyd: Well suck me sideways!

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Harry: Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.

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Airport Clerk: Sir, you can't go in there!
Lloyd: It's o