THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

> > 1. Innovative
> > 2. Preliminary
> > 3. Anaesthetist
> > 4. Cinnamon
> > 5. Chrysanthemum

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

> > 1. Specificity
> > 2. Rhipidistian-Amphibian Transition
> > 3. Anti-constitutionalistically
> > 4. Transubstantiate
> > 5. Sphygmomanometer

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

> > 01. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
> > 02. Nope, no more booze for me.
> > 03. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
> > 04. Mac Donalds? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
> > 05. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
> > 06. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
> > 07. I'm not interested in fighting you.
> > 08. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
> > 09. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to hurl in the street.
> > 10. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

5 Stages of Drunkeness

Stage 1 - CLEVER
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known
universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your
knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right.

And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong.This makes
for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.

Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE
This is when you realise that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the
entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect
stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you.
Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person
about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can
buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You
can also make bets at this stage because of course you are still CLEVER
so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much
you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that
you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE
person present.

Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially
those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you
are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of
the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or
strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as
being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE
than them anyway.

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do
anything,because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to
impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the
room cannot see you. You can also snog the face off them for the same
reason.You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You
can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no
one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the
words.

THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP!!!

Stage 1 - STUPID
As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the
churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realise that you have lost not
only several hours of your life but also the ability to concentrate on
anything whatsoever. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum
of 12 hours.

Stage 2 - UGLY
Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror first thing
you are horrified to discover that you have now become even UGLIER than
you previously thought possible. Not only have you got bloodshot eyes
and a glorious collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your
grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too
STUPID to know better than to try and shave/apply makeup whilst shaking.


Stage 3 - POOR
Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out
the door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week
is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what
happened to it but the traces of curry on your clothes allow the
possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeaway at some
point. Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might
have given the taxi driver a fifty pound note by mistake. Rationalising
that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and that you would
remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one
who bought any food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your
friends.

Stage 4 - FRAGILE
As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE
self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures
that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.

Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS