WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

173 days ago

We believe in one drink, Guinness the
almighty
Makers of cans and bottles
Of all that is drunk and un-drunk
We believe in one brewer, Arthur
The only son of Guinness
Eternally begotten of the hops
Hops from hops, barley from barley
True drink from true drink
Begotten not made
Of one distillery of the Father
Through it all things were made
For us men and our salvation
It comes down from St. James Gate
By the power of the market he became
incarnate
And was made a rich man
For our sake we are crucified under
Pontious Prices
Bad pints, suffer hangovers and A.A.
meetings
On the next day we rise again in
accordance
With our scruples and ascend into oblivion
We come again to judge the living and the
dead
We believe in one alcoholic beverage

Brewed and bottled under one licence
We acknowledge one Arthur, son of the
almighty pint
Conceived in heaven and sold on earth
Blessed is the one drink through one
father and many sons
Sold under one label and distributed
throughout the world
We look for the resurrection of new drinks
And a cure for hangovers.
Amen

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

The eternal connundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Chuck Norris punched himself in the face.

When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy Shit! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she slept with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed a fiver from Chuck Norris and forgot to pay him back.

Chuck Norris can count backwards from infinity.

Crop circles are Chucks way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck instead.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's sh1t.

Chuck norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Wally is hiding.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

You are what you eat. That is why Chuck Norris’s diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

Chuck Norris once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

If you were to lock Chuck Norris in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the
Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Chuck replied "Because Grammy's are for wankers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his
response.

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Whenever Chuck puts out a cigarette, he throws it in slow motion into a long line of gasoline and calmly walks away as an inferno erupts behind him.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Chuck Norris coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

Chuck Norris haunts Freddy Krueger's nightmares.


Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she
was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the
face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided
to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a
beard.