A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

And you thought blondes were dumb.

1) The "fishing" text.
This text is normally along the lines of: "So wot u up 2 later?" or "U out tonight?", or simply "Oceana?"
Despite appearing innocent at first, its intentions are far from it. Generally sent at around 3am, this should be translated as:
"Im drunk, horny and haven't pulled tonight. Where is my back up shag? “
(Typical success rate is around 10%.)

The main determinates of a successful "fishing" text are the amount of alcohol in the person receiving the text, how filthy/desperate they are, and your marginal propensity to fall asleep whilst texting.

A "fishing" text is at its worst when sent to an ex. Just don’t do it! Remove his/her number from your phone IMMEDIATELY, or try simply putting "No" after/before her name in your phone book as a gentle reminder to avoid embarrassing yourself.

2) Predictive “Cock-ups”
The predicative text software loaded onto nearly all mobile phones, whilst useful during the day, can wreak havoc whilst texting under the influence of alcohol.
Some favourites:
"Sorry still outside the club. Fucking steve." (queue)
"wish I was inside your gorgeous aunt right now" (c*nt)
“Ready and raping to go!” (raring)

The local pub in town is called the crown. So when my mate, Dave, asked a particularly nice female if she wanted to meet up:
''fancy gettin food in the crown?''
It was inevitably written as:
''fancy gettin done in the brown?''
"Can't wait to be licking your puppy” (pussy)
"Fancy a dual?" (f*ck)

Fortunately, the girl receiving saw the funny side and sent the following reply:

"Andy, unfortunately I hav no desire 2 don full body armour, a sword, and a shield, grab my horse and ride over to urs for a "dual". Oh, and I certainly dont want sex with u!"
"It's ok, no hurry, I've got aids" (ages)
“Gassy new year!!!" (happy)
"come on over... I have wind" (wine)


My friend Steve text me when we were planning a trip to Alton Towers:
“I can't wait to have a go on all the sheep!” (rides)
“Put your coal into my puppy” (cock & pussy)

I asked my mate if he had any plans one evening quite late:
"Wife open, definitely not sleeping!" Was his reply! (wide)

Whilst preparing for a play:
“Have you got the rapist ready yet” (script)

“Spank me when u get here” (Prank)

3) The "friend locator" text
One of the only types of text to be sent without sexual motivation. Picture the following situation:
You've just met some chick and your mates have fucked off to leave you to it. At which point she realises your chat stinks and she makes an excuse to go find her friends. You are left alone to fend for yourself. You reach for your mobile phone and attempt to call your friends several times before realising they will not be able to hear their mobiles ring. Your solution is to send the following message:
"Wher u? Ho on dancefloor" Or some other incomprehensible crap.
This situation is exasperated when you realise you have fuck all signal and must accept the fact u will be paying for the entire taxi fare home. Or, alternatively, play that game outside the club where you go up to someone you vaguely recognise, asking "Clapham anyone?”


4) "Declarations of undying love"
No doubt the most embarrassing of the drunken texts. Do you recognise any of the following?
"You are the most beautiful girl in the world!" - Ergh!
"I love u!"
"Love you millions"
“If I could re-arrange the alphabet, I’d put u and I together”
"Missing you!" / "I miss you so much!"
It should be noted that for no apparent reason the number of kisses on the end of the text increases to some exponential figure with every succeeding love text x x x x x x x x x x x x x
Naturally, of course, there is nothing wrong with declarations of undying love but they are best steered away from if you are unlikely to remember them when you wake in the morning with a dry tongue and a throbbing headache. Because I promise you that YOU may have forgotten what you sent

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.

So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Don't be afraid that your life will end,
be afraid that it will never begin.