SYMPTOM: Pint appears to be crystal clear...
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him/her.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognise anyone, don't even recognise the room you're in.
FAULT: Don't panic - you've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they've any free pints anyhow.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest pet dog, complain about how house training has "gone to the dogs nowadays".

SYMPTOM: Pint appears unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to get you another pint.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You've fallen over backwards.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar counter.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains fag-ends.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tastes tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to loo, practise in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurry.
FAULT: You're looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to get you another pint.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another pub/party

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed, have yez no homes to go to
ACTION: Confirm home address with barman, grab taxi home.

SYMPTOM: Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on a table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear though.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: That lager is too weak.
ACTION: Have more drink until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM: Ugly woman/man in your sights.
FAULT: Insufficient beer intake.
ACTION: Up dosage immediately.

SYMPTOM: Shins and toes hurt.
FAULT: You've been walking into things.
ACTION: Maintain dosage.

SYMPTOM: Squishy feeling in the hands.
FAULT: You have grabbed hold of a woman's breasts.
ACTION: Duck to avoid boyfriend's fist.

SYMPTOM: Bed is bumping around.
FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride.
ACTION: It's too late, you made complete arsehole of self.

Ah Jayzus = Oh God
Stall it = Would you guys please wait a second??
Let's stall it = Lets go now
Deadly buzz = This is fun
Howiya boss = How are you??
What's da storrie = Any news??
Pass me da bleedin' duthchy = Could you please pass me that can of rat's piss??
Savage tunes = This music is exquisite
Ah Jayzus...not again = Oh look...im pregnant
Batter burgar 'n' chips = Fine dining
She's a fuckin' lash = That female is very atractive
Pay day = The dole
Boat shoes = Dubes
Posho = a very well spoken human being
Do ya want your go?? = I am getting ready 2 fight you
You're poxie = You are not a nice person
Antooooooooo = Anthony
Jasinta = Sorcha
I'm dyin' for a shmoke = I have a serious craving for a cigarette
Celtic are fuckin' mental = That football team is quite good
I'll cut troo ya for a short cut = Do u want 2 tussel??
I'm gonna bleedin' kily ya = I'm going 2 dress you like a scottman
Fuckin' deadly = Jolly good show
I shat her ou' = I just gave birth
It's an Antooooo = It's a boy
It's a Jasinta = It's a girl
Stick dat on ya = Put on that hat
Me fuckin' gash is killin' me = My private parts are sore
Shut up or I'll ride ya = Hush or I might take advantage of you
Are you stallin' it to spin = I am 10 years old
Will ya scare her?? = Do you want STD's??
She's a slag = She can be easy
Do ya wanna turn?? = Do you find my friend attractive??
Storrie young fella?? = Hello young person
I'll give ya a blow for a shmoke = I'll let you deface me for a cigarette

1. throw popcorn up in the air and shout "ITS SNOWING"
2. lean "in 4 the kill" and wen they go 2 kiss bak slap them across the face and scowl at them
3. put the word penis randomly into sentances "so...wat movie do you want to PENIS see?"
4. make obviosus fart noises then look at your date in discust like it was them
5. constantly look behind you and loudly tell the people sitting there to be quiet even if they're not making any noise or theres no one there
6. pick up items dropped on the floor and try to eat them, when you realise its not possibe fling the object behind you and move on to the next thing
7. take out a harmonica and start to play the harry potter theme in the middle of the movie while closeing your eyes and swaying
8. in the middle of the movie take out your phone and shout really loudly "MOTHER HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO GET BACK IN THE CAGE"
9. mimic everthing said in the movie 5 seconds after its said
10. shout at your date when they try to sit down saying your invisible friend is sitting there
11. when there is a gunshot in the movie dive on the ground and shout "TAKE COVER"
12. start a standing ovation at the end of the movie
13. when the movie is over comment on how badly a character acted a part, claim you could do a better job then dramatically act out scenes in the middle of the lobby
14. get up to go to the toilet in the middle of the movie, come back with water down your pants and say "the queues in those toilets wer just ridiculas so i just let it go, is it very obvious?" then go to sit on their lap
15. when they start to eat at the start of the movie look at them in discust and say "we havent said grace yet"
16. loudly blow your nose and thoroughly examine the contents of your tissue