Hello, welcome to the psychiatric Hotline. If you are
obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple
personalities, please press 3, 4,5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want, so
please stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little
voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one
will answer.
If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, don't press anything.
If you are anal-retentive, please hold.

Driving In Ireland

1. Indicators will give away your next move. A confident Irish
driver avoids using them.

2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance
between you and the car in front of you, because somebody else
will fill in the space, putting you in an even more dangerous
situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance
you have of getting hit.

4. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive
bodywork, especially with WW, MO or MH plates. With no
insurance, the other operator probably has nothing to lose.

5. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to
ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous, foot massage
as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you
without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.

6. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's
a good way to prepare other drivers entering the motorway.

7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a
suggestion and are not enforceable in Ireland during rush
hour.

8. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or
even someone changing a tyre. This is seen as a sign of
respect for the victim.

9. Learn to swerve abruptly without signalling. Ireland is the
home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to the Department of
Public Works, which puts potholes in key locations to test
drivers' reflexes and keep them alert!

10. It is tradition in Ireland to honk your horn at cars in
front of you that do not move three milliseconds after the
light turns green.

11. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover,
it is important to exit your vehicle through the windscreen
right away. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your
hi-velocity escape from danger.

12. Remember that the goal of every Irish driver is to get
ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.

13. WARNING! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No
one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended

14.Turning down the radio when looking 4 somewhere?

15.when overtaking a ridiculously slow OAP,
drop a gear and let a roar as you pass by
then flash your hazards to thank him/her purely to be a prick!

16. always eyeball a driver if he\she blocks a median strip
and bonus points for beeping continuously, it' lets them remember its wrong!

17. always perform a wheelspin coming out of toll barriers!
ye never know when the thing will come down
and it shows your dissatisfaction at having to pay toll charges
to and from work!

just avoid town altogether!
noone knows anyone out there!
everywheres crap!
ppl who cant handle their drink are everywhere!
most ppl are young and think town is where its at!
it smells!
and ye always get bogged down wi some randomer who thinks hes a great scarface impersonator!
the women are nuts, not good nuts! just plain nuts! (a phychologist would be hard put to tell me what some of them are at!)
most of all gettin home is a pain!
ye can either wait for the fightlink outside stabrakeabra
or wait ages for a bogger taxi who's sleazy n only wants to pick up nice birds!
copperface jacks' alri but not worth the effort!