Rambling Man
Mediawatch is never quite sure whether it's a blessing or a curse that we don't have immediate access to Eamon Dunphy's punditry over here in merry ole' England.

On the one hand, his hyperbolic belligerence would get tiresome after a wee while, but on the other his bonkers rants would certainly liven up any panel that features Jamie Redknapp.

Good to see then, that Dunphy has spouted forth on Roy Keane, comments that are notable given that Dunphy helped Keane write his infamous autobiography a few years back.

However, Mediawatch couldn't get past the first line of Eamon's burst of nuttiness, as reported by The Guardian:

"He is rambling about all sorts of things and it's really ridiculous," said Dunphy.

Whoa there Eamon - wassatnow? Rambling? Ridiculous?

Presumably then it's a different Eamon Dunphy that came out with the following carefully considered and streamlined outbursts:

On the 2002 World Cup: "You need poverty and dictatorship to produce great footballers."

On Jose Mourinho: "We'll all see through Mourinho. We'll find out he's just a Bengal lancer (Dublin slang for 'chancer')."

On Gary Doherty: "Doherty's head is better than his feet. If only he had three heads, one on the end of each leg."

On Garth Crooks's famously-sycophantic interview with Sven Goran Eriksson: "That's the first time you'll see sex between two men live on the BBC."

On Cristiano Ronaldo: "He's a prat of a player and a prat of a person, and he will always do the little teams but when it comes to the big games he will cost them like he cost them the match against Arsenal last week, no I don't like him, I love him!"

On Alex Ferguson v Gordon Strachan:

Dunphy: "Scots - they're either nice or they're horrid and these two are horrid."
Bill O'Herlihy: "The Scots wont like that Eamon, that's bordering on racism."
Dunphy: "It's not racism, it's ethnic criticism Bill."

On Real Madrid: "Bill, Bill...those directors over there are on another planet. They're on mushrooms or something...THEY'RE ON ACID BILL!!!"

On Sergio Ramos: "He's a nothing player, he's like Paul McShane on steroids, costs more but just as likely to get you shot in the head."

On Rio Ferdinand: "Ferdinand is a clown. He was a liability for the first goal and he is always a liability. It was Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink against Rio Ferdinand of Barclays Bank."

And finally, on Manchester United shortly before they spanked Roma 7-1: "O'Shea not good enough, Ferdinand and Brown dodgy, Ronaldo a puff ball, Fletcher and Carrick nothing players, Rooney has never done it on the big stage."

"Real Madrid are like a rabbit in the glare of the headlights in the face of Manchester United's attacks. But this rabbit comes with a suit of armour in the shape of two precious away goals."
Simply the greatest sentence ever uttered.


“And Hyypia rises like a giraffe to head the ball clear.”
George alludes to the giant African mammal renowned for its mighty leaps.

We could let them score one now and they wouldn't have time to score another.”
George perhaps reveals why he choose commentary above coaching as he comes up with a novel way of running down the clock.


”Kevin Moran.....oldest man on the pitch today...35 years of age.....of course the referee could possibly be older than that ......and technically he's on the pitch too.....then again his linesmen could be even older than him... but are they technically 'on' the pitch.”
George digs and digs 'til daylight is but a distant memory.


”That should be NO problem for the defence - OH NOOOO!!"
A familiar refrain.


"Poland have to score twice now to draw and they will not do so."
The Poles duly knock one in. Minutes later.....



"I might be tempting fate but I can't see the Poles Scoring...OH NOOOO they just have!!"
By DangerHere's calculations, George is directly responsible for 87% of the goals Ireland have conceded during his reign in the gantry.

Italy are preparing to make a substitution - and it is, the unmistakable figure............of Roberto Baggio”
George announces the arrival on the pitch of..... Gianluca Vialli. Unfortunately, the two subs had got their shirts mixed up.


“And Ireland have got to contain the brothers Baggio.”
George surely was the only one not to know.

”The Baggio brothers, of course, are not related.”
But at least he cleared it up. Or did he?


”The seeds of doubt that were sown at the weekend against Egypt have been doused by a dose of Jack Charlton's almighty weedkiller.”
George goes green in Italia 90



“If that’s not offside, I’m a Chinaman!”
George reveals his oriental background after a perfectly correct refereeing decision.


“You sir, are an idiot!”
George politely rebukes Lilian Laslandes after a red card offence.


“He's pulling him off. The Spanish manager is pulling his Captain off!”
Our George thinks THE George as Butragueno is replaced.


”Red Sky at night, good day tomorrow.”
George reckons that the popular proverb needs a little simplification


”Bless my soul, he’s missed it!”
George is disappointed in Simone Inzaghi's penalty taking skills.

"They've really eked this one out. Like coal miners mining their seam until they finally reach the surface with their precious black gold."
Another George classic at the end of Arsenal - Kiev.

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating, Curling, Men's Gymnastics, Texas A&M women's golf or softball. Ever.