- Me, Myself, and I
- "Tangerine Trees and Marmalade Skies and
Plasticine Porters with Looking Glass Ties"
- Currently listening to:
- Morgoth, Crimson Moonlight and Nortt (bloody brilliant).
- Film to watch
- There will be Blood
- TV series to watch
- Life on Mars
- Upset When...
- The shop assistant doesn't speak English.
- Watch Hulk or instead...
- remove your eyes from their sockets. It is so much better and more amusing. Or you can always shoot yourself with a stun gun. That's what i should have done. Ang Lee's version was by far the better one.
- Bands you must see:
- Negura Bunget, Entombed, and Five will die
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We are used to warnings about protecting our children from the sun, but now animal lovers are being told to protect their pets too.
Animal charity The Blue Cross says animals with thin hair or bald patches should have suncream applied before they go out.
Sunburn in prominent areas like ears and noses can lead to skin cancer, extensive surgery and, in serious cases, amputations, they warned.
A spokesman for the charity said: "Animals with white fur or bare patches of skin - especially around the face - can get sunburnt like the rest of us."
Cases of heatstroke, sunburn and other preventable illnesses in hot weather are common, they added, so owners should be careful to give their pets plenty of water.
Other precautions include not leaving pets in hot cars and keeping them indoors when the sun is strongest, between 11.00am and 3.00pm.
They added that vulnerable areas should be covered with a non-toxic waterproof human sunblock or a product specifically for pets.
Long-haired animals should be kept well groomed - especially longhaired ones. A tangle-free coat will help keep them cool.
0 Comments 261 weeks
Today, The Irish Music Rights Organisation (IMRO) has served the US military with a $50 million (€31.5M) bill for unpaid royalties, pertaining to the unauthorised broadcasting of music by Irish artists for the purpose of torture.
Singer-songwriter David Gray, whose music it was discovered is being used by the American military to torture prisoners in the infamous Guantanamo Bay detention facility, spoke recently to the BBC of his delight to have opened up a “whole new market” for his whiny, self-pitying dirges.
“Everybody knows the American market is a tough nut to crack, and the American military are the toughest nuts of all. To discover that they think my music is ideally suited to breaking down the personalities and individualities of young men lifted from the battlefields of Afghanistan and Iraq is a real boost of confidence for my career.”
IMRO chair Keith Donald expressed his concern that “respected military intelligence officials” would wantonly engage in actions that displayed a “flagrant disregard for the laws surrounding international copyright protection”. Accordingly, after several futile attempts to make contact with senior operatives with the American Central Intelligence Agency (CIA), Mr. Donald decided to serve the US military with a bill for unpaid royalties, interest fees and unauthorised broadcasting fines.
“It’s difficult to get a handle on exactly the number of listeners to the unauthorised music broadcasts but we know at its peak the Gitmo facility held nearly 800 prisoners. Many of those were treated to a round the clock repeat playing of David’s super hit – Babylon. For a four minute track that’s well in excess of 300 times, for a period of anything up to six years.”
“As I put it in our outline letter to the JTFG [Joint Task Force Guantanamo] – I really think $50 million is being conservative here”.
Music for torturing detainees by, or ‘torture-pop’ as it is frequently known, is one of the fastest growing musical niches in recent years and is one that many Irish artists have embraced wholeheartedly. As music buff Louis Walsh explained:
“Things have moved on considerably from just leaving the Barney song or the Knight Rider theme tune on repeat. It’s much more sophisticated now – studios will invest heavily in screechy, annoying production effects, or grating melodies that just about set your teeth on edge every time you hear them. Lyrics too have gained an importance – I imagine it is no coincidence that a song about Babylon, an ancient city in Mesopatamia - or modern day Iraq - was chosen to torture Guantanamo detainees. In fact, the US military stands accused of the wanton destruction of many artefacts of Babylon during the invasion. Now, who says the Americans don’t get irony? Oh yeah, that’s right, they probably still don’t.”
Never one to miss a marketable opportunity in the music industry, Louis has been busily signing a number of Irish acts for the torture market, including the recent triumphant signing of Glen Hansard and some Eastern European chick.
“Well Glen has been torturing Irish students with his music for decades now, so he feels this is a natural fit for him. We’ve already announced a tour of the world’s global terror hotspots – Iraq, Afghanistan, Burma, Sudan, East Timor and the response has been absolutely amazing. I don’t think I’ve ever received actual donations from the public to help fund a tour before.”
Although it is unclear at this stage whether or not the US military are willing to admit culpability in the matter of music copyright violation, senior IMRO executives have reportedly received letters from military officials inviting them to the Guantanamo facility to discuss the matter at their leisure.
A re-issue of Glen Hansard’s single – “Fallen (in Fallujah)”, is available in all bog standard commercial music stores now.
0 Comments 261 weeks
Sir Pyrrhic Victory
Radovan Karadzic, world beard growing and hide and seek champion 2008, has been apprehended on war crimes charges for crimes against humanity committed during the 1992-95 Bosnian War. As if this wasn’t bad enough, the world was further shocked when it came to light soon after his arrest that he had been committing the heinous crime of practicing ‘alternative medicine’.
It has emerged that since going into hiding in 1995, Karadzic has been claiming that he can help sick and dying people using such preposterous items as ‘energy crystals’, seaweed, joba-joba, teatree oil, eucalyptus and patchouli. It is estimated that he earned almost €40,000 a year from these cheeky exploits.
The Spanner contacted Alternative Medicine Ireland, whose spokesperson Willomena Cloud claimed that “Celebrities such as Catherine Zeta-Jones, Olivia Newton-John and Madonna use alternative medicine. This says infinitely more than any so called endorsement from a so called ‘doctor’, who in all likelihood is no better than average looking, otherwise he would be on TV forcing people with unsightly diseases to share them with the world for our perverse viewing pleasure. Remember, they’re celebrities; their opinions are worth more than anyone else’s.” When asked about the activities of Radovan Karadzic, Miss Cloud claimed that his practices were totally valid, and refuted The Spanner’s allegation that his medical procedures amounted to little more than scratching a mental itch at best, and at worst offered a generation of deluded fools false hope.
It is thought that should he be convicted of crimes against humanity, he will be held in a separate unit to prevent reprisals against him by incarcerated friends and relatives of those he screwed over using holistic medicine. When Police raided his Belgrade apartment, they found several jars of dried out mushrooms, a year’s supply of eye of newt, some bat droppings, a gutted fish, a book on the flight patterns of birds and an unpublished manuscript provisionally titled ‘Between genocide and ginseng: the life of Radovan Karadzic’.
UN secretary general Ban Ki-moon took the opportunity to release a statement condemning Karadzic’s crimes yesterday, claiming “The disgraceful, dehumanizing and revolting elements of these crimes are so great that we must, as a race, take steps to ensure that they are never repeated again. Killing all those people was bad too.”
0 Comments 261 weeks
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