Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.

If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.

Chuck Noris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the fuck off.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Chuck Norris has to sort his laundry into three loads: darks, whites, and bloodstains.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris .

How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man? No one knows, but Chuck didn't have to walk down any, and questioning his manhood tends to result in Sudden Infant Death Syndrome--no matter what your age.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

Most men are OK with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.

Chuck Norris does not leave messages. Chuck Norris leaves warnings.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.

Contrary to popular belief, George Bush is a great speaker and rarely mispronounces words. He appears incompetent because he knows Chuck Norris is watching.

Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

Chuck Norris raped Tony Danza and Bruce Springsteen simultaneously one day just to make them aware that Chuck Norris is the fucking boss
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Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung l