Mysteries...

1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth

3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

5. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

6. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

7. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

8. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

9. What do people in China call their good plates?

10. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom?

11. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

12. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

13. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

Universal Truths...

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

5) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

6) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

7) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

9) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

10) You never ever run out of salt.

11) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

12) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

13) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

14) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

15) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

17) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

Torchy does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Torchy goes killing.

Torchy' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Torchy does not sleep. He waits.

The chief export of Torchy is pain.

It is impossible to be raped by Torchy because that would mean you did not want it to happen.

Torchy died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Torchy counted to infinity - twice.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Torchy.

If you can see Torchy, he can see you. If you can't see Torchy you may be only seconds away from death.

Torchy doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Niether does Torchy. He doesn't have to.

If you see Torchy crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.

Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Torchy so he can scare the shit out of them.

Torchy frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Torchy owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

Torchy sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Torchy roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

When Torchy sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Torchy has not had to pay taxes ever.

Torchy once went on Celebrity Jeopardy and answered, "Who is Torchy?" to every question. It was the first and only time in Jeopardy history that a contestant answered every single question right. 113 7.212
Torchy was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

If Torchy is late, time better slow down.

Torchy sleeps with a night light. Not because Torchy is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Torchy

If at first you don't succeed, you are obviously not Torchy.

Torchy can slam revolving doors.

Torchy does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Torchy is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

At birth, Torchy came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Torchy but Torchy

Torchy is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

Torchy does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

Torchy puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Superman owns a pair of Torchy pajamas.

Torchy can divide by zero.

Torchy thought up some of the funniest Torchy facts ever, but he hasn't submitted them to the site because he doesn't believe in any form of submission.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Torchy and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Torchy can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Torchy.

Torchy can speak braille.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Torchy says its beef, then it's beef.

Torchy, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I believe... I s