1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.

2. Always toast before doing a shot.

3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.

4. Change your toast at least once a month.

5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.

10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I'm going to get drunk. I hate shots. It's coming back up.

12. Never, ever tell a bartender s/he made your drink too strong.

13. If s/he makes it too weak, order a double next time. S/He'll get the message.

14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.

16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.

17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.

19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.

20. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.

21. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.

22. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.

23. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.

24. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.

25. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.

26. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.

27. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.

28. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer. Even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.

29. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.

30. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

31. If you bring Dutch Gold to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.

32. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.

33. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender's guide and browse through all the drinks you've never tried.

34. Try one new drink each week.

35. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until s/he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for them.

36. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.

37. If you have ever told a bartender, "Hey, it all spends the same," then you are a cheap ass.

38. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.

39. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.

40. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, and then blame it on someone else.

FAKE ASS MATES: Never ask for food.
REAL MATES: are the reason you have no food!!

FAKE ASS MATES: Call your parents Mr/Mrs
REAL MATES: Call your parents DAD/MOM

FAKE ASS MATES: bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
REAL MATES: Would be sitting next to you sayin "Damn ... we fucked up ... but that shit was fun!!"

FAKE ASS MATES: never seen you cry.
REAL MATES: cry with you!!

FAKE ASS MATES: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
REAL MATES: keep your shit so long they forget its yours!!

FAKE ASS MATES: know a few things about you.
REAL MATES: Could write a book about you with direct quotes from you.

FAKE ASS MATES: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
REAL MATES: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you!!

FAKE ASS MATES: Would knock on your front door.
REAL MATES: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME!"

FAKE ASS MATES: Are for awhile.
REAL MATES: Are for life!!

FAKE ASS MATES: Will take your drink away when they think you've had enough.
REAL MATES: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say "Fucker drink the rest of that! You know we don't waste!!"

FAKE ASS MATES: Will put the weed away for later when you're falling asleep.
REAL MATES: Will slap you in the face and say "We still got an 1/8 left Asshole !!"

FAKE ASS MATES: Will talk shit to the person who talks shit about you.
REAL MATES: Will knock them the fuck out!!