1. when she asks how she looks shrug and say "could be better" this will
keep her on her toes. and girls love that.

2. never hold her hand. this can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. (or
if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really hard until she cries.
this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.)

3. once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. girls are
like dogs. they love to be roughed up.

4. call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. if she is
say you better be , repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. this will show
her you care.

5. when she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her
fault. this will pave the way for her own personal improvement. and every
girl needs some improvement.

6. recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most. then when
she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. because jewelry
is for pussies and asian ladies.

7. if youre talking to another girl, make sure shes looking. When she is,
stare into her eyes mouth the words @#%$ you and grab the other girls ass.
Girls love competition.

8. introduce her to your friends as "some chick". women love those special
nicknames.

9. play with her hair. play with it HARD.

10. warm her up when shes cold...and not by giving her your jacket... then
you might get cold. rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop
bitching about the cold right now you're going to be bitching about a black
eye." the best way to get warm is with fear.

11. make her laugh. a good way to do this is if she has a small pet. kick
the pet.

12. let her fall asleep in your arms. when she's fast asleep, wait 10
minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things. like basketball.

13. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

14. if you care about her never ever tell her. this will only give her self
confidence. then you can never turn her into the object she deep down
desires to be.

15. Every time youre in her house steal one of the following: shoes,
earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair.
This way shell go crazy.

16. Take her out to dinner. Right when shes about to order interrupt and
say no shes not hungry. make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

17. look her in the eyes and smile. then clock her one. girls love a
spontaneous guy.

18. give her one of your t-shirts......and make sure it has your smell on
it. but not a sexy cologne smell. a bad smell. you know what i'm talking
about.

19. When its raining keep asking her if shes crying. Shell say no its just
the rain ten minutes later turn to her and just scream at her to stop
crying you @#%$ing baby. Girls like a tough man as i've already stated.

20. if youre listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. this
way she'll think you're mysterious.

21. remember her birthday but don't get her something. Teach her material
objects arent important. The only thing thats important is that she keeps
you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

22. If shes mad at you for not calling her when you say you will promise
her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure
that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call youre going to tell her
a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited. Now dont call.

saturday night.
SYMPTOM: Pint appears to be crystal clear...
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him/her.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognise anyone, don't even recognise the room you're in.
FAULT: Don't panic - you've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they've any free pints anyhow.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest pet dog, complain about how house training has "gone to the dogs nowadays".

SYMPTOM: Pint appears unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to get you another pint.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You've fallen over backwards.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar counter.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains fag-ends.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tastes tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to loo, practise in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurry.
FAULT: You're looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to get you another pint.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another pub/party

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed, have yez no homes to go to
ACTION: Confirm home address with barman, grab taxi home.

SYMPTOM: Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on a table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear though.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: That lager is too weak.
ACTION: Have more drink until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM: Ugly woman/man in your sights.
FAULT: Insufficient beer intake.
ACTION: Up dosage immediately.

SYMPTOM: Shins and toes hurt.
FAULT: You've been walking into things.
ACTION: Maintain dosage.

SYMPTOM: Squishy feeling in the hands.
FAULT: You have grabbed hold of a woman's breasts.
ACTION: Duck to avoid boyfriend's fist.

SYMPTOM: Bed is bumping around.
FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride.
ACTION: It's too late, you made complete arsehole of self

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Warning Signs That You Are An Alcoholic!!!
1. The phrase "binge drinking" is laughable as it implies that at some point you stop drinking.

2. Social drinking consists of 8 pints, 12 shots, and a trip to a take-away.

3. When all the drink is gone at a house party, you try to perform the mirical of changing water to wine, with little success.

4. In a given week, after winning the lotto, scoring the winning goal in the world cup and saving the world from nuclear war, the highlight of your week is still how locked you were on saturday night!

5. On your calendar at home each friday , saturday and sunday on it are replaced with the phrase "Gone Drinking".

6. When you start judging things you buy in terms of how many drinks you could get for the same amount of money as the item costs. e.g jacket costs 40 euro, so that jacket costs 10 pints.

7. When you fool yourself into believing that when you are hungover, getting sick for 16 hours is an acceptable loss for having such a good night.

8. Believing the phrase "drink yourself sober" can be done.

9. You see getting more drunk than you ever have been before as a challenge rather than a health risk.

10. You see each roll of fab in your beer belly as a badge of honour.

11. Beliving that unneccesary drinking during the week is not only neccesary but mandatory!!

12. When in hospital you ask the nurse if you can get a double vodka and black and that she can put it on your bill and you'll pay it when you leave the hospital.

13. When you believe that drink does not cause liver and kidney failure, it was however, a vicious rumour started by Barney because he was stupid enough to become a pioneer.