The new Limerick manager sent scouts out around the world looking for a
new centre forward to replace his old and decrepid players hoping to
win
the Sam Maguire. One of the scouts informs him of a Young Iraqi GAA
player who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar.

The Pillar flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and
arranges for him to come over.

Two weeks later Limerick are 4-10 to 1-10 down to Kerry with only 20
minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi lad the nod and on he
goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 4 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game
for Limerick.

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the
media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones
his mum to tell her about his first game in the Championship.

Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we
were
3 goals down but I scored 4 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans,
the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father
got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and
your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a
great
time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?!" says his mum, "You're fucking sorry???? It's your fault we
moved to Limerick in the first place!"

'lad'

'what do mean by weak dog?'

'oh the dirt of it'

'it'd make u fuckin sick to the pit of your stomach'

'mander tits'

'the bitch with the tits'

'FAAUCKIN cunt of a googly eyes'

'Dirmuid' (said in a richard teahan/enda kenny
type accent)

'what the fuck does gatt mean?'

'drop the kacks!'

1. You say "the Gaeltacht" and expect everyone to know which one.

2. The only reason you would play soccer or rugby was because you were
useless at football.

3. You know that Carrantouhill is not only the highest mountain in Ireland,
but is the highest mountain in Kerry.

4. Sheep and goats on the main road to Dingle are invisible.

5. You go to Mass every Sunday. The only prayer you know is the "Ar
nAthair", but you get all the news from last night in town from the boys at
the back.

6. You always give Americans the wrong directions for Ballybunion.

7. You tell your friends from up the country that you know Maurice and the
Gooch well.

8. Your back door is never locked and the key is under the bin anyway if it
is.

9. You consider eye contact a guaranteed score with a bird.

10. You call your local GAA pitch "the field above".

11. You hate Cork.

12. You think Tralee is "gone mad with the houses lately"....

13. You're still living with mom and dad.Sharing a room with your
brother.And u have a single bed.The spare room is still kept for guests.

14. The site out in the field is yours once you are ready to settle
down.Roughly at the age of thirty five. If you're lucky.

15. You drive a 1984 Ford Orion SE but you just purchased a brand new John
Deere 6920S to draw silage.You still cant afford a new car.

16. You went on holidays to Trabolgan or Mosney when you were younger.

17. You laugh at the fools with their fancy haircuts and fashion from up the
country. "Mark 2 all over for myself again Mary"...You head home.Throw on
the chequered shirt,roll up the sleeves,tuck it into the Levi's 501, and
slip on the "going out" boots.

18. Mom will have the dinner ready by the time you get home." Ah no, its
Friday.....fish...jesus.."

19. You were only ever up the North for an underage football blitz or on a
school-tour.

20. You're suspicious of people from the North.

21. You think Charlie Haughey was a legend.

22. You heard the new Tesco in Tralee was even bigger than the one in
Killarney.

23. You dont care if Fungi dies.

24. You don't hear sirens.

25. You have never actually climbed Carrantouhill.

26. You're waiting for the final.

27. You only go to Dublin for the All-Ireland final weekend.You go to
Coppers after Flannerys on the Saturday night.You have to meet a fella for a
ticket Sunday morning outside the Gresham.

28. The owner of your local pub is a selector on your club team. His
son-in-law trains the team and is a full-time football coach. The coach's
brother is a carpenter who employs 5 of your team-mates. The carpenter's
wife is a sister of the ex-Kerry Rose.Her husband is the hairdresser's
brother.The hairdresser's husband is the third selector on your club team.
The selector also does the rubs in the dressing-room before the game.There
are 5 brothers on the team.

29. Your cousin who left for Australia 12 months ago is now employing 3
other carpenters and has his own van and tools. He's loaded and is never
gonna come home. He went to the beach on Christmas Day.