For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
For those who already have children past this age - this is hilarious.
For those who have children at this age - this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age - this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children - this is a form of birth control!

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin,
Texas: "Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):"

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 3 bedroom house
about 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on a nylon duster and then run over it
with roller skates / blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and
a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint
can, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.

5. You should not throw balls up when the ceiling fan is on, using
the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times
before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can then hit a ball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a ball hit
by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's
already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain bits of Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of
a 4-year old.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jelly you put in a swimming pool you still
can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jelly.

15. VCR's do not eject toasted sandwiches even though TV commercials
show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving and are
very expensive to remove.

18. You probably do not want to know what that smell really is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do
not like ovens.

20. The average response time for the fire brigade is about 20
minutes.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms
dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is a wonderful and amazing thing. True
story:
One day the infant school teacher was reading the story of the
Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story
where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials
for his home. She read,"..And so the pig went up to the man with
the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I
have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then
asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy
xxxxx! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next
10 minutes.

25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake
fluid

Check your Dirty IQ!

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Questions:

1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?

2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?

3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?

4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I?

5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?

6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I?

7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?

8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?

9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?

10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?

Answers:

1. a dentist
2. a wedding ring
3. peanut butter
4.chewing gum
5. an elevator
6. a nose
7. a newspaper boy
8. a glove
9. a crane
10. a toothbrush, of course.

Guys who really love u
As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to
ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken, probably
more than once, and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so
remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best
friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry
because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you
love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never
been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of
happiness you'll never get back.


Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot; who calls you back when
you hang up on him; who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for
the guy who kisses your forehead; who holds your hand in front of his friends.


Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about
you and how lucky he is to have you. Wait for the one who turns to his
friends and says, "..that's her."