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- I saw a notice that said "Drink Canada Dry" and I've just started
- Me, Myself, and I
- Can I get some jiggy jiggy....
Thanks to my lovely tag team best drinking buddy jonny I have now acheived the impossoble of an imploded liver, a knocked over fridge and a sore finger thanks to the lovely joy of having birthdays......oh why are they only once a year
Jonny and I now live at crieff hydro, with an en suite, according to our two drinking buds...
"Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time."
Whoever said Braco was a S***hole, William McGregor - Founder of the the first football league in the world, i.e The English Premiership.....He's from Braco
- The Other Half Of Me
Goldylocks really can drum!!
- Rock 'n' Roll, The concoctions of rock, metal and rap.
- Lifes Fuel
- Alcohol = savouir of sins, . " Your not drunk untill you have to hold on when you lie down"
Everybody i know who has a dog usually calls him *rover* or *spot*..i
called mine *sex*..now sex has been very embarrassing to me..when I went to the city hall to renew the dog's license for sex..i told the clerk i'd like a license for sex..he said.. "i would like to have one too!"..then i said.. "she is a dog!!"..he said he didnt care what she looked like..i said.. "you don't understand..i had sex since i was 9 years old."..he replied.. "you must have been quite a strong boy."
When i decided to get married..i told the minister that i would like to have sex at the wedding..he told me to wait until after the wedding was over..i said.. "but sex has played a big part in my life and my life revolves around sex." ..he said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church..i told him everybody would like having sex at
the wedding..the next day..we were married at the justice of peace.. my family is barred from the church then on.. when my wife and i went on our honeymoon..i took the dog with me..when we checked into the motel, i told the clerk that i wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for sex..he said every room in the motel is a place for sex..i said.. "you don't understand..sex keeps me awake at night.."..the clerk said.. "me too!" one day i entered sex in a contest..but before the competition began..sex ran away..another contestant asked me why i was just looking around..i told him that i was going to have sex in the contest..he said that i should have sold my own tickets.. you don't understand!!"..i said.."i hoped to have sex on TV!!".. he called me a show off.. when my wife and i seperated..we went to court to fight for custody of the dog..i said.. "your honor..i had sex before i was married..but sex left me after i was married..".. the judge said.. "me too!!" last night..sex ran off again..i spent hours looking all over for her..a cop came over and asked me what i was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning..i said.. "i'm looking for sex..".. my case comes up next thursday.. well..now i have been thrown in jail..been divorced..and had more damn troubles with that dog than i ever foresaw..why..just the other day when i went for my first session with my psychiatrist..she asked me.. "what seems to be the trouble?"..i replied.. "sex has been my best friend all of my life..but now it has left me forever..i couldn't live any longer..so lonely.."..and the doctor said.. "look mister..you should understand sex isn't a man's best friend..so get yourself a dog.."
3 Comments 373 weeks
The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?(Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which doesn't... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night
in KingsCross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
2 Comments 382 weeks
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- Silver duke of Edinburgh (19)
- Ski Trip (5)
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