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• Why parents drink

  The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. '
  
  "Hello ? "
  
  'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
  ' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
  'May I talk with him?'
  The child whispered, ' No .'
  
  Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes '
  
  'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '
  
  Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
  ' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman'.
  
  Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
  ' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.
  
  'Busy doing what?'
  ' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman' came the whispered answer.
  
  Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
  ' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.
  'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,
  
  ' The search team just landed a helicopter '
  Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
  Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled
  
  giggle...
  
  ' ME . '
  

  0 Comments 224 weeks

• Irish sayings that crack me up

  I’m as sick as a small hospital.
  I’m so hungry I’d eat a small child.
  She had a face on her like a well slapped arse.
  You’re as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit.
  My mouth’s as dry as a nuns crack.
  He has rubber-lined pockets so he can steal soup.
  He thinks manual labour is a Spanish musician.
  As funny as a burning orphanage.
  He’s so camp, he sh1ts tent pegs.
  I’m as sick as a plane to Lourdes.
  I feel like a boiled sh1te (hungover).
  (when leaving) I’m off like a debs dress.
  She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn.
  As busy as the Dalkey dole office.
  Sweatin’ like a paedophile in a Barney suit.
  As tight as a nun’s knickers.
  I’m so horny I’d get up on the crack of dawn.
  I’d crawl a million miles across broken glass to kiss the exhaust of the van that took her dirty knickers to the laundry.
  No show pony but would do for a ride around the house.
  Did your mother find out who your father is yet?
  What would ye expect from a pig but a grunt.
  I left her with a face like a painters radio.
  A mickey the size of a double-value can of Right Guard.
  Jaysus, she could breastfeed a crèche.
  As fit as a butcher’s dog.
  She’s got more chins than a Chinese phone book.
  Not even the tide would take her out.
  Mother Teresa wouldn’t kiss her.
  Daz wouldn’t shift her.
  Des Kelly wouldn’t lay her.
  A sniper wouldn’t take her out.
  Jaysus, ya wouldn’t ride her into battle.
  If I’d a bag of bruised willies I wouldn’t give her one.
  She has a face on her like a bulldog that’s just licked piss off a nettle.
  She wouldn’t get a kick in a stampede.
  She had a fanny like a badly packed kebab.
  If I’d a garden full of mickeys I wouldn’t let her look over the wall.
  Give her a boot in the arse and a bucket of mickeys would fall out of her.
  

  0 Comments 253 weeks

• Sipping Vodka

  A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
  
  After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
  
  The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'
  
  So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
  At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
  
  He proceeded to talk up a storm.
  
  Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
  1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
  2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
  3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
  4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
  5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
  6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
  7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
  David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
  9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
  10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
  11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.
  12)The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
  13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
  14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
  

  0 Comments 253 weeks