Description: THE WINGMAN IS ARGUABLY THE NOBLEST CREATURE TO EVER STEP INTO A BARROOM!!

Who else, with cavalier disregard for his personal reputation, is so willing to throw himself upon the cruel mercies of a brazen man-hater, just so his buddy can hook up with a sorority girl with big gazongas?

Who else, with just a hint of a grimace, will selflessly dirty dance with a creature so hideous that no amount of hard liquor will wash the stain from his memory?

Who else, especially if he’s loaded to the gills, will stand in the deepest depths of hell just so a pal can climb up his back into hook-up heaven?

Whose sterling motto is, “You are going to so owe me”?
None else but the wingman!

WHAT A WINGMAN DOES...
And just as that brave (some say suicidally insane) Spartan king and his hundred warriors laid down their lives against a hundred thousand Persians, so will the wingman, with the right amount of prodding, recklessly lunge into battle against foes twice his size and half his intellect, fully knowing there is no way in hell that the night will end well.

IT USUALLY GOES DOWN LIKE THIS:
A male (the flight leader) spots an attractive female (the bombing target) across the bar. But alas, she is not alone. She is paired with a tragically less attractive friend (the cock blocker). And they seem quite close, so close that the BT is unlikely to abandon her CB for a guy she just met.

The FL knows he’ll never be able to successfully complete his bombing run without proper air cover, and this is where the wingman comes into play. The wingman will engage the CB and pin her down long enough for the FL to finish his run, and hopefully bomb his target back to his bedroom.

Of course, there’s much more to the task than distracting the CB while the FL makes his move.

Wingman skills have been honed and passed down since someone decided women should be allowed into bars. Strategies have evolved and tactics have been polished to the point that the wingman has become a super-specialized warrior in the eternal Battle of the Sexes.

And like all specialists, they’ve developed their own lingo.

WINGMAN JARGON...
Air superiority - when the flight team has established a comfortable conversation with the BT and CB.

BT - bombing target; the hot chick.

Banzai shot - much as kamikaze pilots were given a ceremonial shot of sake before being sealed in their cockpits, the flight leader should buy his wingman a shot prior to a mission.

Betty - an alliteration of Bombing Target.

Bogie - a friend of the BT that has not yet been identified as a CB.

CB - cock blocker; the hot girl’s troublesome friend and sworn enemy of the wingman. Also called a bandit.

Dogfight - dancing with a CB.

FL - Flight leader; also called the bombardier.

Flak - snide remarks made by a CB in an attempt to drive the flight team from the skies.

Flying blind - when the wingman indulges in so much in-flight refueling he jeopardizes the mission.

Getting pinged - initial eye contact with a BT.

In-flight refueling - when a wingman orders a flurry of shots to help him complete his mission.

Kamikaze mission - when the wingman is likely to end up in the clutches of the CB.

Landing gear - a wingman’s self-respect; if a FL asks his wingman to “leave his landing gear behind,” he’s preparing the wingman for a flak storm or kamikaze mission.

POW - Prisoner of a Warthog; to go home with a CB, the supreme sacrifice of a wingman.

Pig Alley - a play off of the Korean War’s infamous MIG Alley, this describes a BT swarming with CBs.

Shite leader - a would-be flight leader without the skills to complete the mission.

Shoot and scoot - an attempt to engage with more than one CB at a time.

Tailgunning - when the wingman disgracefully abandons his air cover duties and attempts his own bombing run on the BT.

Yank and bank - an attempt by the FL to maneuver the BT away from the wingman and CB for

1. OPENING JARS - Un-n-n-n-n-h, she's struggling. You take it from her
hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She
didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman, but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDING TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Rubbish. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it over here. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle?

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish,
noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on
and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding
towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else
struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron
burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11. USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean
you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of
the pub doesn't know that.

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently.
Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15. CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the
blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are
now your dad.

16. WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get
straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then.
Seven. See ya."

20. PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in, first time. Can Schumacher do
that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes
you the worlds best driver.

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there
in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while
the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad, b!nt?"

24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh!t.

25. CALLING YOUR MATE A C*** - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in
hospital".

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (Winamp only, if you have anything else go kill yourself)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button


Opening Credits:
Dead End - In Flames

Waking Up:
Sad But True - Metallica

First Day At School:
The Flame - Chimaira

Falling In Love:
Cemetery Gates - Pantera

Loosing Virginity:
Enter Sandman - Metallica

Fight Song:
Threshold - Slayer

Breaking Up:
Silent Night, Bodom Night - Children of Bodom

Life:
Whiplash - Metallica

Mental Breakdown:
Hate Me - Children of Bodom

Flashback
Walk - Pantera

Getting Back Together
Crushed Like Fruit - InMe

Wedding:
Damage Inc - Metallica

Birth of Child:
Hero of the Day - Metallica

Final Battle:
God Send Death - Slayer

Death Scene:
Baptised in the Redemption - Roadrunner Untied

Funeral Song:
Orion - Metallica

End Credits:
Metal Mitilia - Metallica