SYMPTOM: Pint appears to be crystal clear...
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him/her.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognise anyone, don't even recognise the room you're in.
FAULT: Don't panic - you've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: Meh see if they've any free pints anyhow.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest pet dog, complain about how house training has "gone to the dogs nowadays".

SYMPTOM: Pint appears unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to get you another pint IMMEDIATLEY.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You've fallen over backwards.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar counter.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains fag-ends.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tastes tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to loo, practise in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurry.
FAULT: You're looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to get you another pint.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another pub/party

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed, have yez no homes to go to
ACTION: Confirm home address with barman, grab taxi home.

SYMPTOM: Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on a table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear though.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: That lager is too weak.
ACTION: Have more drink until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM: Ugly woman/man in your sights.
FAULT: Insufficient beer intake.
ACTION: Up dosage immediately.

SYMPTOM: Shins and toes hurt.
FAULT: You've been walking into things.
ACTION: Maintain dosage.

SYMPTOM: Squishy feeling in the hands.
FAULT: You have grabbed hold of a mans buns.
ACTION: Duck to avoid boyfriend's fist.

SYMPTOM: Bed is bumping around.
FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride.
ACTION: It's too late, you made complete arsehole of self.

Ah Jayzus = Oh God
Stall it = Would you guys please wait a second??
Let's stall it = Lets go now
Deadly buzz = This is fun
Howiya boss = How are you??
What's da storrie = Any news??
Pass me da bleedin' duthchy = Could you please pass me that can of rat's piss??
Savage tunes = This music is exquisite
Ah Jayzus...not again = Oh look...im pregnant
Batter burgar 'n' chips = Fine dining
She's a fuckin' lash = That female is very atractive
Pay day = The dole
Boat shoes = Dubes
Posho = a very well spoken human being
Do ya want your go?? = I am getting ready 2 fight you
You're poxie = You are not a nice person
Antooooooooo = Anthony
Jasinta = Sorcha
I'm dyin' for a shmoke = I have a serious craving for a cigarette
Celtic are fuckin' mental = That football team is quite good
I'll cut troo ya for a short cut = Do u want 2 tussel??
I'm gonna bleedin' kily ya = I'm going 2 dress you like a scottman
Fuckin' deadly = Jolly good show
I shat her ou' = I just gave birth
It's an Antooooo = It's a boy
It's a Jasinta = It's a girl
Stick dat on ya = Put on that hat
Me fuckin' gash is killin' me = My private parts are sore
Shut up or I'll ride ya = Hush or I might take advantage of you
Are you stallin' it to spin = I am 10 years old
Will ya scare her?? = Do you want STD's??
She's a slag = She can be easy
Do ya wanna turn?? = Do you find my friend attractive??
Storrie young fella?? = Hello young person
I'll give ya a blow for a shmoke = I'll let you deface me for a cigarette