Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought, "This is unusual". Then the dentist said to me, "Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet".

I was reading this book, 'The History of Glue'. I couldn't put it down.

I got a job as the Duke of Edinburgh's hairdresser. The other day I parked outside Buckingham Palace and a policeman came up to me and said "have you got a permit?" And I said, "no, I've just got to take a bit off the back".

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

Exit signs. They're on the way out, aren't they?

When I was at school people used to throw gold bars at me. I was the victim of bullion.

So I went to the doctor and he said, "You've got hypochondria." I said, "Not that as well!"

Velcro, what a rip-off...

I was playing the piano in a bar and this elephant walked in and started crying his heart out. I said "Do you recognise the tune?" He said "No, I recognise the ivory"

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought - he's trying to pull a fast one

You invented Tippex... Correct me if I'm wrong

Did you know all male tennis players are witches? For example Goran..Even-he's-a-witch

I was in Tescos, and saw this man and woman wrapped in a bar code. I said "Are you two an item?"

A lorryload of tortoises crashed into a train full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Did you know if a stick insect lays it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets?

I went into a shop and said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Ok, where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"


I used to live in a teapot. I know what you're thinking 'Pour You'