If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
2 Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
3 Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
4 Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
5 When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
6 Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
7 Chuck Norris can speak braille.
8 Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
9 Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
10 Chuck Norris thought up some of the funniest Chuck Norris facts ever, but he hasn't submitted them to the site because he doesn't believe in any form of submission.
11 Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
12 Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
13 If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
14 The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
15 Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
16Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I believe... I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride." Arnie says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements." God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat."
17 It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen.
18 Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
19 The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
20 Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
21 Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
22 Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
23 Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
24 Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
25 Chuck Norris once survived a suicide bombing. He was the bomber.
26 When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
27 Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
28 Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
29 If you try to introduce your mother to Chuck Norris, she'll introduce you to your biological father.
30 Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
31 If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.
32 Chuck Norris' sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.
33 Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.

http://video.tinypic.com/player.php?...

hillarious cullarin book

Microsoft Press Release: It has come to our attention that a few
copies of the North Dublin version of Windows 2000 may have
accidentally been shipped outside of Ireland. If you have one of the
North Dublin editions you may need some help understanding the
commands.

The North Dublin edition may be recognised by looking at the loading
screen.

It reads "Windoze 2000" with a background picture of a syringe
superimposed on a photograph of the The Anna Livia.

It is shipped with the Guinness screen saver.

Also note:
* The Recycle Bin is labelled 'shite'
* Dialup Networking is called 'all me mates'
* Control Panel is known as 'the fuckin' computer settins'
* The Hard Drive is referred to as 'big fuck-off disk'

Other Features:
* OK = alroi'
* cancel = fuck that
* yes = roight
* no = no bleedin' chance boss
* find = go an' get it your fuckin self
* help = I can't fuckin' do it
* start = go on ya good thing

Also note that Windoze 2000 does not recognise capital letters or
punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to Windoze 2000:
* type ritor = a word processor
* cullarin book = a graphics package
* addin masheen = calculator
* choons = CD player
* dole = accounting software
* bevvy = local off-licences by postcode and price of Guinness
* porno = Microsoft Internet Explorer

We regret any inconvenience it may cause if you received a copy of the
North Dublin edition. You may return it to Microsoft for an immediate
replacement.